Dear Ted Stevens…

Happy Retirement!

Happy Retirement!

C/O Yukon Kuskokwim Correctional Center, 1000 Chief Eddie Hoffman Hwy, Bethel, AK  99559

Dear “Uncle” Ted,

  Welcome to the sweet life!  You are so going to enjoy your retirement.  Take it from Me, there’s nothing you’ll enjoy doing more than doing nothing.  Just imagine… lying in your bunk with nothing more pressing to do than think about the poor suckers who still have to work.  Assuming your new bitch in the lower bunk doesn’t snore, nothing to hear, either, but your own heartbeat.  Tha-thump, tha-thump, tha-thump.  Ah, that’s living!

  On the other hand, if you’re more like My old friend Mercury, you might find this a good time to indulge in a hobby.  He arranges flowers now.  Perhaps you could breed canaries or something.  I believe another retiree from Alaska found that to be quite relaxing.  Or, I understand you’re one of My brand-loyalists.  You might like to devote a little time to telling Me and everyone else how great I am.  Hard to go wrong, there.

  Of course, you might be more like My old chums Mars, Shiva and Ares.  They had a little trouble adjusting to retirement.  They tend to hang around looking to do the same thing now that they did pre-retirement.  I wouldn’t advise that, though.  I mean, why retire in that case, right?

  The best thing, for Me, about retirement is that someone else pays for My perpetual vacation.  It’s too bad that there’s no one to give you money for nothing.  That’s the best way to go, I’ve found.  It’s a lot like that song by Dire Straits, “Money for Nothing“, although they’re wrong about the chicks for free.  For some reason, I’ve always found that you have to pay for that – but it’s okay in the end, because I get money for nothing.  It evens out nicely.

  Speaking of Dire Straits, I understand you like to give to charity.  I don’t see the point, Myself, but maybe you’d like to bid for a guitar lesson from Mark Knopfler.  They say somebody’s got to help kids with things they can’t buy, and it’s certainly not going to be Me.  That’d be something you could tell your fellow retirees about in the exercise yard.  My sadly-missed friend, Douglas Adams, used to say that Knopfler has the extraordinary ability to make a Schecter Custom Stratocaster hoot and sing like angels on a Saturday night, exhausted from being good all week and needing a stiff beer.  And you know what?  He was right.

  In any case, whatever you decide to do, I’m sure the world will be better for it.

Wish You Were Here,



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