Dear Mormons…

Utah, USA

Dear Pietists Who Are Further Advanced In Time Or Sequence,

  You know why I’m writing, don’t you?  It’s this Prop 8 thing.  Look, I don’t care if The Gays can get married or not.  It’s no skin off My Holy Nose, one way or the other.  You know what I do care about, though?  My well-earned vacation.  So, when you get involved in politics and I start hearing about people wanting to revoke your tax-exempt status, I get a little antsy.  In fact, when you add that rumour to the one that you provided 70% of the funding to get the thing passed it makes My filet mignon with sauce bernaise turn to ashes in My mouth.

  I know it’s not just you.  Joe Catholic and Joe Evangelical and Joe Bigot were all for it, too.  The thing is, you came all the way from Utah because The Gays scare you so much.  So when I saw this 3-D talking postcard in the gift shop at Seattle-Tacoma International, I knew it would be a good way for Me to explain “near” and “far” to you.

  “Near”, you’ve got exciting attractions like the biggest hole in the ground, ever.  That’s neat, huh?  “Far”, all they’ve got is Old Faithful.  “Near”, you’ve got a garden with The Joseph Smith Sphinx!  “Far”, they have some crappy bridge – that’s not really made out of gold.  You’ve got state parks with colorful names like “Dead Horse Point” and “Zion”.  They’ve got “Big Sur”.  I don’t even know what a sur is.  You’ve got Beehive Clothing Mills.  All California has are pants named after some old Israelite.

  So you see why “near” is best for you?  Stay in Utah.  Do the seven wives thing.  Really, I would think you’d have your hands full with that and the “token negro Mormon” schtick and the preparing-to-have-your-own-planet-when-you-die thing.  You really shouldn’t be getting your temple garments in a twist over something that’s going on waaaaay over in California.  You’ll just tire yourself out going so far away to stick your noses in someone else’s business.  You understand now, right?

  You don’t understand.  Okay.  “Near” is good.  Tithe to My heart’s content.  Put all that money where it can do some good; five-star hotels for Me.  “Far” is bad.  You’re going to get your tax-exempt status revoked which will call down hellfire and damnation, etc.  Got it?

  I sure hope so.  Maybe when I get back from Fiji I can tell you about “Around, Over, Under and Through”.

Wish You Were Here,



4 responses to “Dear Mormons…

  1. While it would be mildly amusing to see the Mormons lose their tax-exempt status, I’d certainly hate to think of Gawd staying at Motel 6 and eating at Taco Bell or something.

    Yep. They need to stay their butts in Utah. I feel better knowing where they are anyway.

  2. I’m sure it’s best that the Motel 6/Taco Bell scenario does not play out. The philosophical and quantum mechanical repercusions would, I feel, be enormous. You think the world is in bad shape now? Imagine a cranky, badly-rested Gawd with a rumbling gut.

  3. That’s scary enough to make me consider tithing.

  4. In that case, remember to send it C/O Postman.

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