1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20500
Dear George & Darth,
I got your postcard, stamped “TREAT AS TOP SECRET/SCI” asking for My help… again. And it looks like it’s up to Me to give you some etiquette pointers… again.
First, it’s customary when you ask someone to help you move that the someone in question actually be your friend. So that’s one strike against you, there. Second, it’s very unusual to demand of them that they sign a non-disclosure agreement re: the things you’re taking with you. That’s two strikes. Third, you come across as a tad paranoid and distrustful if you insist that the someone wear a blindfold on the way to the new house. Guess how many strikes that makes?
Look, George, there are so many reasons why I will not be helping you and Vlad the Angler move that I just don’t have room to write them all down. Mainly, though, I’m on vacation and… Dick makes Me nervous. So call Two Guys & A Truck and quit bothering Me.
Oh, speaking of etiquette, I accidentally caught your remarks this morning about President-Elect Obama and I’ll tell you something for free. It’s not in the best of taste to say “Many of our citizens thought that they would never live to see that day,” when you’re the one who sent so many of them to Iraq to die. Personally, I’m ambivalent about US soldiers dying. On the one hand, I love the smell of napalm in the morning. On the other, that’s 4,200 people who aren’t tithing anymore. You’re supposed to care about them, though, so I’d watch the language if I were you.
Anyway, that will, (I pray to Me), be the last advice I ever give you. With any luck, the new guy won’t send Me daily postcards asking Me to smite half the world. And, hopefully, this will be the last time I write these words to you…
Wish You Were Here,