Dear Police Chaplains…

7700 Midlothian Turnpike, Richmond, VA  23235

Dear Brand Loyalist Fuzz,

  First, let Me say that I have the utmost respect for you Coppers.  Where would we be without Johnny Law?  Am I right?  protecting and serving and… whatever it is the Five-Oh does.  Of course, you’re not really the “catching bad guys” sort of Bluebottles, are you?  You’re more the “proselytizing in a uniform” type of Barneys, eh?

  Whatever your job is, it’s beside the point.  I’m much more alarmed by your lawbreaking activity.  Yeah, thought I wouldn’t notice, huh?  I was discussing the duties of My Chosen Chaplain recently, (viz. Don’t deconvert anymore of the Base, as it adversely affects the vacation fund), and she mentioned what you’ve been up to.

  Holy Porkers; as I’m sure you’re aware, I recently had to remind all brand-loyalists of My will as it pertains to the worshipping of idols.  That’s a no-no, Po-Po.  Now here I am, only days later, having to interrupt My vacation to remind a sub-set of you that magic is strictly verboten… well, mostly verboten… but strictly as far as you’re concerned.  Magical incantations like “A La Peanut Butter sandwich” or “Bullshit” or “In Jesus’ Name” will get you a sackful of Hell Points©.

  I think we can all agree that I am a pretty easy-going Gawd, except where a few things are concerned.  Don’t touch My stuff, don’t covet your neighbor’s ox, don’t skimp on the tithing, don’t look at a city while I’m smiting it, don’t eat apples, don’t make fun of bald guys, don’t worship idols, don’t lap water like a dog, don’t masturbate, don’t do quite a few things in bed, don’t live in Sodom or Gomorrah, don’t be an Amalekite, don’t offer strange fire before Me, don’t complain about the food or murmur about a plague, don’t pick up sticks on the Sabbath, don’t do magic, don’t offer Me incense, (makes Me sneeze), don’t be an Aradite or Bashanite or Midianite or Heshbonite or Ashbonite or Amonite, don’t commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab, (they overcharge), don’t even be a Moabite, don’t take the accursed thing, don’t get in Samson’s way, don’t look inside My stuff, don’t have a stupid name like Agag or Nabal, don’t conduct a census, don’t change money in the temple, don’t be unlucky enough to visit Jeroboam on the day I send Baasha to kill everyone in the house, don’t visit Baasha when I send Zimri to do the same right back, don’t disbelieve Elijah, don’t tug on Superman’s cape and one or two others.

  I’m sure you noticed the stricture against magic.  It’s right there in black and white.  Historically, magic has caused a good deal of trouble.  believe Me, I know history.  Not only did things like witch trials and inquisitions kill off innocent people who were perfectly good tithe-payers, but Noah once did that “pick a card” trick and wouldn’t tell Me how he did it.  I was stumped for so long I forgot to shut off the bath water.  We all know what a mess that caused.

  Look – No more incantations, no more whining and no screwing with that church/state thing.  In fact, My Judgement in this case is that you all chill the frick out.  If you throw a fit and get pulled off the public teat, the other brand-loyalists will have to pay your salaries somewhere.  That’s money that should be going to My vacation fund.  So do what your employers tell you or I’ll show you why it’s such a bad thing to be a Moabite.

Wish You Were Here,


P.S. – Don’t forget to vote for that guy.  And since you’re nominally cops, look out for voter fraud while you’re at it.


6 responses to “Dear Police Chaplains…

  1. Dear Gawd,

    What an awesome letter. That ought to set those confused chaplains straight. Feel free to send them to me if you discover that they need any additional guidance regarding the chaplaincy thing.

  2. As His Chosen Chaplain, (not to be confused with Dawkins, the High Priest), He expects you to define the duties of chaplains everywhere. Just make sure they keep tithing.

  3. Wow! Never knew about Noah’s card skills. That explains so much.

    Thanks for the shout out about voting, Postman. And of course, thanks for reminding us about all those the rules. I was just about to covet my neighbor’s ox when I got your message just in the nicotine.

  4. Yes, it is good of Him to remind us where our morality comes from. Without that list – no morality. Dogs & cats living together.

  5. Aha! I’ve always had a feeling that Noah was complicit in that whole thing!

    Without that list – no morality.

    He’s really very snooty about that, isn’t He? 😉

  6. Now that you mention it, Lottie, I couldn’t help but notice somewhat more than 10 commandments there. And He does say there are a few more He didn’t list. Probably got a cramp in the Almighty Hand.
    A deity who’s snooty and doesn’t realize it can be something of a cramp, Himself.

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