Dear Brand-Loyalists…

"Dan The Man", Wonkette.com

Photo: "Dan The Man", Wonkette.com

Currently Impeding Traffic in Bowling Green Park

Dear Base,

  Do you like movies?  I like movies.  All kinds of movies.  Miller’s Crossing, by those Coen boys is a good one.  The Thin Man movies?  I could watch those over and over.  I also like The Ten Commandments, (even though there were really twenty-three), and Pulp Fiction.

  I especially like The Ten Commandments because it was a pretty fair depiction of how things went down; if you take into consideration that Moses never looked as good as Chuck Heston, (more like Peter Lorre), and that he and I were mostly wasted the whole time.  This was before I went cold turkey, you understand?  I couldn’t get DeMille to shoot the bit where Moses made the Israelites grind the Golden Calf to powder and drink it.  He shot some cheap explosion special-effect crap.  DeMille was a wuss of the first water.

  I like Pulp Fiction because Samuel L. Jackson is just a bad-ass motherfucker who don’t take no shit from no motherfuckers.

  I especially have these two in mind right now because it has come to My attention that you have lost your minds… again.  If it weren’t for all the money you pay into the vacation fund every time the collection plate passes, I’d have dropped you like a bad habit years ago.  First, you try to give My Chosen People a bad name, and now I catch you red-Me-Damned-handed worshipping idols!

  Don’t try to bullshit Me, either.  I’ve had 6,000 some-odd years to get to know you.  You’re going to try to tell Me that you were really praying to Me and that Golden Calf thing just happened to be a convenient place to do it at.  Let Me ask you a question.  What do I look like?  Do I look like a bitch?  No?  Then why did you try to fuck Me like a bitch!?  You did.  You tried to fuck Me, and I don’t like to be fucked by anybody, except exceptionally talented call-girls.

  There’s this passage I got memorized.

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides with the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and with furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know that My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee.”

  I don’t really know what it means.  I just think it’s some cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker before I smite his ass.

  Normally, all your asses would be deader than fried chicken right now, but you happened to pull this shit while My finances are in a transitional period.  You see, the truth in that passage above is that you’re the weak.  And I’m the tyranny.  And that’s not gonna change, but there’s one thing you can do to save your sorry asses.  You can give ’til it hurts.

  The next time that collection plate passes, you remember how I let you walk this time and you put your kid’s college fund in that plate.  You put that second car the wife wants in there.  You put that diamond necklace for the mistress you think your wife doesn’t know about in there.  And you smile while you’re doing it, because I have had it with these motherfucking idols in this motherfucking country!

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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7 responses to “Dear Brand-Loyalists…

  1. Uh, did you just quote Your unauthorized biography?

  2. I think you will find that the quote is similar, but not the same as that found in the execrable, non-royalty-paying, unauthorized bio.

    Gawd would be glad to know that His Chosen are paying close attention to His words… if he could be bothered.

    By the way, I feel certain that if The Chosen had priests and such, your name would make an excellent title for the high priest. Go and sin some more.

  3. You know, that’s just… fucking scary. And it pisses me off too.

    I never knew how much Gawd and I actually have in common until I started listening to Him instead of all those creepy Christians who try to speak for Him.

  4. Sure. He’s a little right-of-center. And He’ll smite you as soon as look at you. And His grasp of the basic tenets of science is a little weak. And He’s a tad self-centered. And He doesn’t always make perfect sense.

    But He’s head-and-shoulders above the brand-loyalists.

  5. Nobody’s perfect, but that’s about as good as any deity can be. 😆

  6. With dimwitted brand-loyalists like those, it’s no wonder that Gawd has adopted new Chosen People. I’m getting the impression that Gawd prefers people who pretty much leave him alone, as long as he’s got money in the vacation fund.

  7. He is often singing this tune to Himself in the mirror when I pick up the mail.

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