Prairie Chapel Ranch, Crawford, TX
I’ll bet you thought I forgot about you. Well, actually, I did. My postman has a standing order to file your correspondence in the circular file. However, he was on vacation recently and the sub screwed up. So I came home to a big pile of postcards from you begging Me to make people ignore you. If you want, you can call that an answered prayer.
The reason I’m taking time between flights to write you, when I could be reading a good book, is to remind you that, whether you or I like it or not, you’re still president. I know, I know… you get a kind of queasy feeling when you think of it; and you’re not alone in feeling that way. I get a lot of mail from old pals of yours asking for a change.
The thing is, Junior, that even though you’re the lamest of lame ducks, you’re still getting paid to do a job. Now, I know what you’re thinking; “But I suck at it,” and “It’s hard,” and of course, “I already ruined everything I set out to ruin – Mission Accomplished”. But there’s still more to do. For instance, you said you wanted to close Guantanamo. I understand that it’s your charming way to say you want to do something and never have any intention of doing it, and I can’t fault that. It’s served you well. However, if you want to retire to that cozy little place you bought in Paraguay, you’re going to need to get a few things done.
Now, I know what you’re thinking; “But I don’t know how to get things done,” and “That’s Cheney’s job,” and of course, “Daddy’ll fix it”. But you have to learn sometime, Cheney’s busy teaching The Mavericuda to skin puppies and your Daddy won’t return your calls. So listen close, because this is the last advice I’m ever going to give you.
First, you’ve got to create some smoke and mirrors. You can do that by pretending to work on shutting down Torture Central. At the same time, pretend to give a rat’s ass about The Troops. There are still plenty of broken soldiers out there you can pretend to help. You might try going to some soldier’s funeral or something. That’d make a lot of smoke.
Second, you’ve got to cancel the extradition treaty with Paraguay. It won’t do you any good retiring to your little South American bungalow if they can just ship you right back. You’ve got to be sly about it, though. You don’t want anyone to know you’re doing it. I suggest bumping the terrorism threat advisory scale up to red, pointing at Ted Kennedy and saying, “Look! it’s Obama bin Laden,” and then tearing up the treaty while everyone is screaming in fear.
Finally, I suggest some kind of disguise.
Okay. You’re on your own now.
Wish You Were Here,