Dear Republican Jesus Broadcasting Network…

Anti 700 Club Anti 700 Club

977 Centervill Turnpike, Virginia Beach, VA  23463

Dear CBN,

  I heard that somebody told you that some-other-body has been mocking Me.  Let Me be perfectly clear that that dog just won’t hunt.  I like a good joke as much as the next deity.  That one about the Pope and the pianist cracks Me up every time, but mockery is the lowest form of so-called humour out there.  I won’t stand for mockery.

  Now, I know that you like to blabbity-blabbity blah about “journalistic ethics” and “protecting your sources”, but let’s be real here.  You are a wholly-owned subsidiary of Gawd, Inc.  While it’s true that I’m retired, I think we both know that if I have to pick up the phone and call My boy, you’ll all be turning in your executive washroom keys.  So I want to know who told you someone was mocking Me.

  Normally, I’m not too keen on squealers, but in this case I promise not to smite them.  You have My word on that.*  It’s just that very few things make Me wroth like mockery.  Well, Onanism and buggery do.  And cursing your parents; that one ticks Me off pretty good.  Oh, and touching My stuff really winds Me up, too.  But mockery is one of the really big ones; just ask those kids who mocked My prophet; and their 3-dozen innocent friends, too.  I took them to the “Bear Jamboree”, if you know what I mean.  I don’t even like the word “mock”, so come across with that name or there might be a “bearcident” in the middle of somebody’s newsroom tomorrow.

  Just thinking about this really churns My butter… and not in a good way.  Mockers are the worst kind of evil filth there is.  It’s something I never do, Myself, and something I never let My brand-loyalists do.

  Of course, it’s okay to poke a little fun at people I don’t like.  That’s different.  That’s all in good fun, or it serves a good purpose.  You know, like when My old friend Maverick does his impression of that guy he’s running against for the reporters on the Straight Talk Express.  That’s just blowing off steam.  or when a brand-loyalist yells out “Kill him,” in the middle of a crowd of NRA members who don’t like the color brown.  I mean, a sense of humour is important these days.

  But mocking Me is going too far.  So you get Me that narc and I’ll show you what a Gawdly sense of humour is all about.

Wish You Were Here,


*Offer not valid if I change My mind.


6 responses to “Dear Republican Jesus Broadcasting Network…

  1. Oh yeah! I hope they tell. I wanna see Gawd throwdown…

  2. It can be dangerous for bystanders, too. The truth is, His aim is really piss-poor. Luckily for you, you’re one of the New Chosen People, so if you catch a stray lightning bolt, your next-of-kin get a nice card and a small bouquet of flowers.

  3. Maybe I’d better just wait for His next postcard, just to be on the safe side.

    Can you ask him to send pictures, though? Video would be nice.

  4. Phrew! That was a close one. Someone within a 200 mile radius may or may not have taken some sort of smiting aimed at you if you hadn’t quickly fixed that capital letter faux pas.

    As for photographic evidence: Take a gander at this candid shot of gawd on His way to the kitchen for more bean dip –

    How’s that for proof, eh?

  5. Dammit! Me too! I meant “Gawd”… “Gawd” with a capital “G”, I meant!

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