You don’t mind if I call you Joe, do you? It’s just that you remind Me of an old fishing buddy of Mine, “Tailgunner Joe” McCarthy. We called him “Tailgunner” because every time he went off on one of his crazy rants we’d have to lock him in the trunk until we got to the fishin’ hole. You’ve had a few rants of your own, haven’t you? Personally, of course, I don’t care. I’m on vacation. As My favorite politician of all time, Sir Talbot Buxomly, MP, used to say, “It minds not me that you dress like a mad parrot and talk like a plate of beans negotiating their way out of a cow’s digestive system. It is no skin off my rosy nose that there are bits of lemon peel floating down the Thames who would make better [congresspersons] than you.”
No, Joe, the reason I’m taking time out of My scheduled visit to see the statue of My old friend Paul Bunyan is to stop all this loose talk of yours about My role in your ascent to Congress. Joe, put a sock in it. If I were a less classy Gawd I’d probably say something like, “I’ve never even met you, you crazy bitch. So quit telling people I put you up to running for Congress or My lawyers will slap the taste out of your mouth.” If I were a less classy Gawd.
Thomas H. Cruise! At least Tailgunner Joe had an excuse for the crap that continually burbled out of his mouth. I have it on good authority that space-squid with an evil sense of humor were controlling him through his dental fillings and stealing his essence via fluoridation. Yeah, he was a nutter, but a lot of fun on fishing trips. You, though? Not so much, I’d bet. At least Tailgunner knew his ass from his elbow, if pressed.
This is the bottom line. Quit using My name in vain. Buddha’s Balls, woman! With brand-loyalists like you around, My vacation fund is likely to dry up. Who in their right mind would tithe first-class tickets to Rio with you pummelling their synapses? You’re likely to raise the numbers of My new Chosen People, but atheists who believe in Me don’t tithe! So shut your pie-hole or My lawyers will do it for you.
Wish You Were Here,