Dear McCain Campaign…

SS McCain

Rechristened: SS McCain

P.O. Box 16118, Arlington, VA  22215

Dear Mavericks,

  I got your letter begging for a miracle.  Really, don’t do that anymore.  It just embarrasses both of us.  And, this is the last time I’m going to tell you; I am not endorsing your boy man octogenarian candidate.  I’m on vacation.  So quit asking.  In fact, even though you’re big boosters of My vacation fund, this is the last favor of any kind I’m going to do for The Mav.  I had My boys write up a transcript of that debate thing he did tonight, but this is it.  No more.

  I knew you wouldn’t care what the other guy had to say, so instead of making one of My boys transcribe that other guy and one transcribe The Mav, I told Hippie Jesus He could give the whole thing a miss and watch Buffy on the other TV.  So, here goes.  Presidential debate as transcribed by Republican Jesus.


  My friends, you are hurting and angry and I have scars.  I also have a plumber friend and I am the champion of the little guy, on the edge of starvation and ruin, who only makes a quarter of a million dollars a year.

Moderator Guy:

  Something about spending and cutting money or something.


  I want to hit things with a hatchet.

Moderator Guy:

  Something about dirty politics or something.


  If Hussein Obama had just done what I wanted from the beginning I wouldn’t have been forced to call him a treasonous Muslim terrorist who kills babies.

Osama Obama:

  Something about shouldn’t we be talking about the economy or something.


  You see!?  Obama is a meany and I’m proud of the people who come to my rallies and call him a terrorist who should die.  Personally, I don’t care about his pal the terrorist or evil acorns(?)… BUT his pal is a terrorist and acorns(?) are evil.  So, my friends, as you can see, my campaign is about the economy.

Moderator Guy:

  Something about vice-presidents and maybe something about energy or something.  (Sorry Dad, that’s when the butler brought in dinner.)


  America knows Palin.  ‘Nuff said.  Oh, and if we drill for our 3% of the world’s oil supply America will be a Utopia.  Here’s the proof, my fellow prisoners; Hugo Chavez is a terrorist and Obama pals around with him.

Moderator Guy:

  Something about health care or something.

Obama bin Laden:

  Everyone gets health insurance or something.  (Dad, we’re sending socialists to Hell, right?)


  Canada and the UK are bad and it’s not the government’s job to help people.

Moderator Guy:

  Something about Supreme Court abortions or something.


  There will be no litmus test as long as the states do what I want.  The only thing I care about are the qualifications of the judges and wanting to keep Roe v. Wade is a disqualification.  So, my friends, I’ll change the culture of America to the good kind of culture that I approve of and you hippies and health-exception mothers can suck it!  Oh, and this one kills babies.

Moderator Guy:

  Something about education.

Barack Genghis Hitler:

  The children are the future or something.


  Yeah… I guess so, but no money – only vouchers.  Mothers can mud-wrestle for them.

Moderator Guy:

  Something about closing statements or something.


  Americans are hurting and angry.  I’m The Maverick.  You can trust me; my daddy was an admiral.

Stalin Obama Hussein bin Satan:

  Something about McCain being just like Bush.


  Alright.  There it is.  Now if you’ll excuse Me, this caviar won’t eat itself.

Wish You Were Here,



6 responses to “Dear McCain Campaign…

  1. You my friend are an insane genius

  2. Pipedaddy! Long time, no see, my friend. I’m so glad you read my scratchings.

    Humility demands that I not take credit for being an insane genius. So I’ll accept “insane” or “genius”, but I can’t have both.

    Now you’ve made me long for a visit – so I expect a call from the local airedrome any moment.

  3. Dear Gawd!
    Thanks for the transcript. That’s another 2 hours I didn’t waste watching the “debate”. I’m saving up time so I can goof off before I die.

  4. As Gawd is busy goofing off right now, Himself, I’ll say “You’re welcome” on His behalf.

  5. this is comedy genius.

  6. James,
    Jesii! Between you and Pipedaddy, you may resurrect my ego.

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