Dear Litigious America…

Never the Twain Shall Meet

Never the Twain Shall Meet

State Capitol, Rm. 1107, Lincoln, NE  68509


  I’m sending this registered postcard to you partly because it costs so damned much to send one to every litigious weasel in America, but mostly because I hear that you have the unmitigated gall to try to bring Me to trial.  You have got some nerve, pal.  Do you know who I AM?  Not only could I give you the full-on Job treatment, but I’ve got the best lawyers tithes can buy.

  Perhaps you’ve heard of Fire, Brimstone & Wrath, LLC.  They had big-bearded, bonking Oscar Wilde, terror of the ladies, father of 114 illegitimate children, world heavyweight boxing champion and author of the bestselling pamphlet “Why I Like to Do It With Girls”sent down for being a whoopsie.  That FB&W, LLC.

  So, on the one hand, you’re lucky that the judge is one of My brand-loyalists and wouldn’t serve Me with papers.  On the other hand, you’re screwed because My new Chosen People are ratting you out in droves.  When was the last time you had a good, old-fashioned smiting, Ernie?  Whatever the answer is, it’s been too long.

  The more I think about this, the more full of wroth I become.  Where do you get off?!  I judge.  I don’t get judged.  I judge.  In fact, I AM a Gawd who judges the earth, (which includes you), so I’m bringing you to trial.  That’s right, you’re on trial as of now.

  The Extra, Super Supreme Court is now in session.  Matter of Almighty Gawd vs. Ernie Chambers.  The Honorable Judge Gawd presiding.

  Thank you, Bailiff Gawd.

  You’re welcome, Judge Gawd, and may I say that robe looks excellent on You.  Have You been working out?

  You’re too kind, Bailiff Gawd.  Defense is fined $10 for not complimenting My Honor and a further $1,000 for not showing up.  It has come to the attention of this court that Ernie Chambers, heretofore referred to as “the damned”… I mean “the defendant”, did willingly and with malicious aforethought attempt to ruin Gawd’s vacation by having Him served with a court summons.  How do you plead?  . . .  Let it be noted that the defendant did not answer.  If you do not answer again, sir, I shall hold you in contempt.  . . .  Defendant is fined a further $1,000 for contempt of court.  The prosecution may state their case.

  Thank You, Judge Gawd.  First, let Me say that all in this courtroom are in awe of Your amazing judginess, Your Honor.  I can hardly speak from excess of admiration.

  Thank You, Prosecutor Gawd.

  Any time, Your Honorarity.  I call My first witness, Almighty Gawd.  Place Your hand on this Bible, please.  Do You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help You You?

  I do.

  Thank You.  Sir, are you, at present, on vacation?

  I AM.

  Is the worst possible sin imaginable that of interrupting Your vacation and trying to get You to show Yourself and explain Your actions?

  It is.

  Did You hear from somebody who heard from someone else who read it somewhere that the defendant was trying to commit that very sin?

  I did.

  Is said defendant anywhere in this courtroom?  Can You point to him?

  He is not.  I cannot.

  No more questions, Your Honor.  I rest.

  Thank You, Prosecutor Gawd.  Now the case for the defense.  . . .  Defendant is fined $2,000 for failure to appear.  After weighing the cases that have been presented before Me, I find in favor of the prosecution.  Defense is fined $36,478 and sentenced to six months in Hell.  Court adjourned.

Wish You Were Here,



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