Dear Chosen People…

Better Luck Next Time, America

Better Luck Next Time, America

C/O United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, 100 Raoul Wallenberg Place, SW  Washington, DC, 20024

Dear Jews,

  This is not an easy letter for Me to write.  We have a long and complex history together.  Over all, I would say that I have been pleased with you.  Well, perhaps “pleased” isn’t quite the word I’m looking for.  More like “generally content”.  I mean, I’m sure there have been times that I was pleased with you, I just can’t recall any off the top of My head.  Sure, you’ve angered Me once or twice… or more, but I’m sure you understood the smitings and pogroms and holocausts and such as the constructive criticism it was meant to be.

  That’s why, even though I’ve consistently chosen you to pal around with over the years, My decision to cut you loose has been such a difficult one.

  Now, please, don’t kvetch.  This doesn’t mean that you’re not My khevre anymore or that I won’t “helfn” you from time to time when you need a hand.  We can still khavern zikh, but I’m sure you understand why you’ll probably be blackballed at your golf club next week.

  The thing is, I’ve found a new Chosen People.  You see, the folks over at Pew have discovered a group that just cries out to be Chosen:  Atheists Who Believe in Me.  That’s right.  Evidently 20% of atheists believe in Yours Truly.  Go figure, huh?  It’s probably no secret that I have a bit of a soft spot for atheists.  Not just because they aren’t always bothering Me, but also because they’re good conversationalists and they don’t believe in things that can’t be proved.  Also, they have carnivals.  When was the last time you invited Me to a carnival, eh?

  I didn’t want to Choose all atheists, because, frankly, they’re even harder to control than you are.  But when I heard about this 20% I thought I’d died and gone Home.  Finally!  All the things I admire in Richard Dawkins plus a disposition to believe in someone who can’t be bothered to drop round their house on a Saturday afternoon, (I usually crank-call Saturn around then).

  I’m sure you’ll be saddened to know that all the attention, love and good fortune I’ve showered on you over the years will now be transferred to My Chosen Twenty-Percenters.  I’m afraid you’ll just have to suck it up and make the best of it.  Sorry for the inconvenience.

Wish You Were Here,



16 responses to “Dear Chosen People…

  1. Oh good grief! What’ll they think of next?

    Welcome back! 😀

  2. Thank you, Lottie. I had a nice little vacation, part of which I spent in the American Museum of Natural History looking at bones. My membership is one of the best presents the post-sister has ever given me.

  3. We also have cookies and check the return addresses on postcards 😛

  4. Dbo,
    I read your blog and I’m glad to see that you are now a 20-Percenter Atheist who believes in Gawd. Seeing a postcard signed by Himself is leistungsfahiger Beweis, Nr.?

  5. I don’t want to be one of Gawd’s chosen ones. I mean, it worked out so well for the Jews, didn’t it?

  6. Chaplain,
    Exactly. It worked out swimmingly for the Jews! It was very character-building for them, and I understand they now control the world’s monetary system. So, in a few thousand years there will be a handful of atheists in Congress and “atheist” will also be used as a verb. What’s not to want?

  7. Aha, you misundersand. I’m a 20-Percenter Atheist who does not believe in Gawd (Especially the (certainly non-existent) Gawd of Atheism. If I were to do so, I would be punished, so I do not believe. No. No.

  8. Db0,
    That would make you an 80-percenter atheist. One of the evil, baby-eating, jaywalking, take-the-last-donut-in-the-box kind.

  9. Shhh. We do not talk about the Evil Atheist Conspiracy

    PS: I prefer taking candy (from the hands of crying children) instead of donuts anyway

  10. Well, sure, who doesn’t? It’s just that donut boxes don’t usually fight back.

  11. The children don’t fight back either if you use enough sedative, by the way what kind of atheist can afford to eat live babies anymore. I though that’s why we did back ally abortions, its more cost effective.

  12. Certainly BAA’s are more cost-effective, but I don’t know how you can afford sedatives on an atheist salary. I know we atheistickal Postmen make less than Brand-Loyalist Postmen. It’s that darned glass ceiling.

  13. Afford them? I steal mine.

    You should try my special dipping sauce sometime. It’s made from virgins’ blood.

  14. Virgins?! Now those are expensive.

  15. Yeah, even buying in bulk doesn’t save much; they’re just so rare.

  16. Pingback: Dear Stephen Green… « “Gone Fishin’: Postcards From God”

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