Dear Universe…

May Have Had Issues

Bosch: May Have Had Issues

Universe Gamma-33/Rho-Theta-7

Dear Sentient Beings,

  Have you ever heard the expression “A few bad apples spoil (it for) the (whole) bunch”?  Well, in the final analyses it doesn’t matter if you’ve heard it or not, because the Alliance Defense Fund has spoiled it for all of you.  That’s right.  They have so stirred up the wrath of the LORD, (Me), that I have decided to re-open Hell and asked My old friend Satan to take over the day-to-day management of it.

  Before you start bombarding Me with mail, begging for your miserable afterlives, know that I have thought long and hard about this.  This is not a step that I take lightly.  My boys and I have thoroughly focus-grouped this idea and come up with what We think is a fair and equitable plan for who gets Guantanamoed and who doesn’t.  Everyone, (yes, you too, Blurb People of Sag-A*), will now earn Hell Points© and Heaven Points©.  If, at the end of your lives, your Hell Point© total is greater than your Heaven Point© total you get renditioned to Hell.  If the opposite is true, then good for you.  Obviously, you don’t get to come live with Me, but you don’t have to go to Hell.  You dodged a bullet.

  Now, some guidelines.  First, let Me run another old saying by you.  “It’s the thought that counts.”  This is a little something My boys came up with.  Some years ago, Hippie Jesus had a little girlfriend.  Who, incidentally, was named Mary – just like His mother.  (I could have told Him that shit wasn’t going to work out.)  As in so many cases of puppy love, He tended to be a little jealous.  So one day, after He felt Peter had ogled her one too many times, He came out with a real corker.  “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” So, the new rule is:  If you imagine it, you done it.  You’ll be glad to know, though, that I talked Republican Jesus out of retroactive Hell Points©, so Gramma’s safe.  Assuming she’s already kicked it, of course.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t talk the Holy Hippie out of making a special exception for Peter.

  What this means for the average 2.4-legged, hyena-owning being out there is that when you wish that the neighbor’s yappy dog would have a coronary and keel over, you’ve murdered a puppy.  However, if you immediately imagine visiting the old folks home with cookies you get a clean slate.  But no un-wishing the dog alive again.  It doesn’t work that way.  It is an ex-puppy, as far as I’m concerned.

  You’ll be happy to know that you can erase things that would get you fried in Texas, too.  For instance, if you tell the wife you’ve got a “business trip” and on said “business trip” you “accidentally” kill a Vegas hooker in your hotel room while the Secret Service looks on, you can erase that, too.  It’s going to take a pretty good imagination, naturally.  The cookies for octogenarians trick won’t do it.  You’ll need to imagine, say, that you’ve averted a great international disaster.  Something like that.

  I think you get the idea.  If you have any questions, refer them to My boys.  They’ll be overseeing this system, as I’m on vacation.

  Oh, and, obviously, the folks at the Alliance defense Fund – none of this applies to you.  You’re guantanamoed, boys.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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8 responses to “Dear Universe…

  1. It’s been over a month since I wished the neighbor’s yappy dog would keel over. If I go ahead and imagine the nursing home and cookie scenario now, do you think it’ll still work?

    Or am I screwed?

  2. Oh. My. Gawd.

    The second I submitted that last comment, the neighbor’s dog started yapping. I’m not even kidding.

    It’s a sign, isn’t it? I’m screwed.

  3. You know what they say about Gawd.

    “You better watch out.
    You better not cry.
    You better not kill
    puppies in your head.
    Or Gawd will kill you,
    stone dead.”

    I don’t actually think there’s of statute of limitations. In the end, it’s total Hell Points© minus total Heaven Points©, whenever they were accrued. So imagine doing a couple of nice, helpful things right now and you should be one ahead.

  4. Hilarious, wonderful snark!

    Oh, and I’m royally screwed on this Points thing, Gawd. The points thing is the reason I never could join Weight Watchers. Why was it Your Will for me to have a math disability? Oh sorry – I should not have questioned Your Wisdom. Do over? 🙂

  5. I cast my vote for the point system. Considering that I have imagined doing some pretty incredible stuff, I’m practically destined to become a God myself, should the Grace of the current God be sufficient to allow me an apprenticeship.

  6. Candace,

    Thanks. I liked the hard-charging attitude of your blog.

    As for do-overs… well, the only time Gawd allows those are when a waiter spills His drink.

    Maniac,

    Gawd owes you one for the idea. He says it was Him and The Boys – but He doesn’t much care for sharing accolades.
    Sad to say, I mostly imagine being cast in a new version of Slings & Arrows, so I may be deficient in Heaven Points©.

  7. Oh good! I’ll start thinking sugar and spice and everything nice, then. 😉

  8. Pingback: Dear Primordial Blog… « “Gone Fishin’: Postcards From God”

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