Dear Wall Street…

Wall Street, New York, NY 10268

Dear Potential Pavement Patties,

  I spotted this 3-D postcard in a little shop in Montreal and thought of you.  It seemed like a perfect opportunity to answer the registered letter you sent asking Me to come to your rescue.  Believe Me, I know what it’s like to be on the brink of ruin… well, actually, I don’t.  But My boy, Hippie Jesus, does.  Why, just before His initiation into the Deity Club He came to Me and said “Dad, take this cup from Me.”  I can think of no better response to you than the one I gave to Him:  Get stuffed.

  Sure, it hurt, (or so He always claims), but afterwards he learned the secret handshake, so it’s all good.  Which is how you ought to look at Monetary Depression George.  This is your chance to become a part of the American Mythos.  What does the average person think of when they hear “Black Tuesday”?  Squatter’s camps?  Tent cities? Dust storms?  No.  They think of Wall Street Jumpers.  For your sake, I just wish you could have held out another month for the anniversary.  Maybe you can all do a mass jump on October 29th.  Hey, maybe My other boy, Republican Jesus, can go with you.  He still hasn’t had His initiation.

  As I’m sure you know, if there’s one thing Me & Mine never do it’s say “I told you so.”  However, I’m pretty sure I mentioned the safety of keeping your money in one rock-solid, tax-exempt place.  Nope, there’s nothing safer than investing in tithing.  I’ll be flying first class for many years to come.

  I probably won’t be seeing any of you on My upcoming vacations, as you’ll probably be poor and/or deceased, but just keep in mind what Maverick McStrongeconomy’s economic advisor said and don’t be a bunch of whiners.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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8 responses to “Dear Wall Street…

  1. Thank you Gawd for helping me to start my day with a good laugh. The dear line of this postcard has me in stitches and will keep me giggling all day long.

    Even though I am not a brand loyalist, I may just have to make a donation to your vacation fund after this card. (Soon as I get paid cause, well, the combination of the potential pavement patties and the Oil companies fucking things up for my getting things like food and gas and I really am that selfish).

    Oh, and, uh, with the way things have been going Republican Jesus might end up with the same initiation as his brother did. He may want to go to an undisclosed location for a little while.

    Good luck with the move. Wish I could go with ya. (Universal health care and the ability to marry my partner would be nice)

    Froggy Frogspond

  2. Frogspond,

    Gawd has mentioned to me many times that all contributions are gratefully accepted.

    As for RJ, like most Republicans, He talks a good initiation game and is more than happy to see others get initiated, but is somewhat reluctant to do so himself.

    I, too, wish I could go with Him to Canada, but who, (besides the obvious), has the cash to make the move? It makes my job harder, I can tell you, since I’ll be staying in NY.

  3. Postman,

    Thank you once again for spreading the good news of salvation. I am eternally grateful to Him for His wisdom in not allowing his messages to fall in the hands of someone who was less a man of God than you. I’d be lost without the Word.

    As far wall street, well, those guys really put the “douche” in “fi-douche-iary misconduct.”

    Now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna go put the “me” in “MEthamphetamine” and get psyched for God!

  4. Maniac,

    Thank you so much. One tries one’s best… and then, ten minutes later when one has one’s wind back, one tries again.

    By the way, Gawd’s all for the MEthamphetamine Generation and He doesn’t hold your name against you.

  5. I’m so glad we have someone so dedicated to keeping us up-to-date on what Gawd thinks about the many messes certain people make.

    Thank you Postman. 😀

  6. Aw, shucks. In all fairness, I should share that distinction with George Bush, Sarah Palin, Westboro Baptist Church and the 700 Club.

  7. I’m confused. There’s Gawd, the Holy Ghost, Hippie Jesus and Republican Jesus. By my count, that Trinity seems to be a bit overcrowded.

  8. Chaplain,
    Math=Blasphemy.

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