Dear Turkey…

One Meeeelion Lira

One Meeeelion Lira

Just East of Thermopylae

Dear Turks,

  As you may have recently heard, I am diversifying My vacation fund.  I don’t know what your Lira or the Somali Shilling are backed with, but it’s got to better than bananas, right?  I also don’t know anything about economies or commerce.  All I know is that I like flying in first class.  As far as I can tell, there are two things that make that possible.  First, I need brand-loyalists who don’t think too hard.  Second, there needs to be a lot of buying and selling with My Chosen Currency.

  This is why I’m writing to you.  When the US scared Me into getting rid of My Ben Franklins I didn’t look too closely at your country.  All I saw was a currency that was bound to be stronger than the dollar.  But now My boys tell Me that only 1% of Turkey are Our brand-loyalists.  On top of that, a lot of the buying and selling in Turkey turns out to be centered around Richard Dawkins’ books.  This makes Me, from a financial standpoint, uneasy.

  I understand, however, that you’ve got someone there who is fighting as hard as he can against science and rationality and logical thinking.  This Harun Yahya fellow must be one of My brand loyalists.  I know this because I’ve been living in America and people like Harun are My biggest contributors here.  So you Turkeyites should listen closely to what he has to say and don’t be led astray by Allah’s brand-loyalists.  I’m sure Harun will tell you that Allah is nothing but a sneaky, thieving hack who’s grades in Deity School were as bad as George Bush’s at Yale.  Heck, if He hadn’t cheated off of Me, Allah would have been kicked out on his spoiled little rich boy ass.

  I hope you won’t take it personally that, once Harun converts you all, I won’t be living in Turkey.  The fact is, I’m thankful for the tithing and the ass-kissing that My brand-loyalists do, but for some reason they tend not to be good at much else.  That’s why I’ll be moving to Montreal this weekend where I can take advantage of good conversation, technology and medicine.  Not that I need medicine, of course, but watching one person stumble around with leprosy, another with Bubonic Plague and a third trying to exorcise demons out of the first two can really put a deity off of His lunch.

  So, you guys just do whatever it is that My brand-loyalists tell each other they have to do, (be sure not to skimp on the tithing), and you will have made Me a happy Gawd.

Wish You Were Here,


P.S. – I mentioned the tithing, right?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s