Dear Holy Land Experience…

Chagall's 'White Crucifixion'


4655 Vineland Rd., Orlando, FL 32811


  I wasn’t sure who to address this card to, specifically.  TBNThe Crouches?  That nice Centurion who explained why it was historically important not to have modern plumbing on the grounds?  Well, to whomever was responsible for the bronze-ageiest good time I’ve had in 2,000 years; thanks oodles.

  At first, I was a little miffed that the young man at the gate wouldn’t believe that I was 6,000 years old and I was forced to pay the full $35 adult fee.  But then I remembered that it all goes toward My vacation fund anyway, so I didn’t even bother trying to get the discount for My boys.  Speaking of whom, Their reactions were somewhat mixed.  Hippie Jesus got a little bit freaked out having to watch Himself get nailed a half dozen times throughout the day, but on the other hand, Republican Jesus amused Himself watching His brother get nailed a half dozen times throughout the day.  It’s all relative, I guess.

  The Exhibits were generally nice.  The street market and the Oasis Palms cafe were good, but We were a little disappointed that there was no reenactment of the money-changer ass-whooping.  Luckily, there were plenty of ATM’s, so I guess it evens out.  Mostly, it was the nostalgia that got Us.  For Me, it brought Me right back to My honeymoon.  I almost wished My ex-wife, Mary, had come.  On mature reflection, of course, I was glad She hadn’t.  We’d have spent the day tagging along behind Her while She cleaned out the shops and My wallet only to have Her run off behind the bushes with one of the centurions.  So, good riddance to slutty rubbish, I say.

  We strolled down the Via Dolorosa, eating Milk-n-Honey ice cream to cheer up Hippie Jesus, to the Calvary’s Garden Tomb… at which point one of the boys got freaked out again and the other one perked up somewhat.  Then on to Smile of a Child Adventure Land, where the boys played in the misting station until the other parents complained.  I bought Them each a stuffed animal from Noah’s Ark and We watched another crucifixion.  By that time, one of the boys was twitching rather alarmingly and the other was a little bored, so We called it a day and headed back to the hotel.

  So, as a vacation destination… meh.  As a cash-cow for funding first-class airfare?  Excellent.  Keep up the good work.

Wish You Were Here,



5 responses to “Dear Holy Land Experience…

  1. Gawd,

    Thank you for this wonderful report on your vacation. I will bear in mind that this stop, while funding your vacation, is perhaps not up to the quality of other theme parks.

    I think I will continue to fund your vacation more directly. 🙂

    Thanks bunches!


  2. Yes. Feel free to send cash and money orders to:

    The Postman
    P.O. Box 123, Grand Central Station
    New York, NY 10017

    I promise to pass it along.

  3. That’s just about the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in quite a while.

    I need a drink.

  4. I know a guy who can do you some wine out of a glass of tap water.

    On the lighter side of religious S & M, Gawd tells me that every time they started the crucifixion show, RJ would hide behind HJ and yell, “I’m Spartacus!”

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