What must you think of Me? I am tempted to say that the reason it has taken Me 150 years to apologize is that I was looking for the carte juste. However, I feel that you may see through Me on even a cursory inspection of this greeting card purchased at an airport newsagent’s scarcely five minutes prior to this writing. Nevertheless, please believe Me when I say that this apology is just as heartfelt as any apology I have ever made. Mea, as they say, Culpa.
I realize that it has been some years since we have spoken, for which, of course, I don’t blame you, as I have been on holiday. In fact, I might not have remembered to write at all, but I was touring the Natural History Museum in London fairly recently and stopped by the snack bar for a pint. I glanced around at one point and thought, “That chap looks familiar.” Just in time, I realized that it was you, Charles, and that I owed you something. Of course, the last thing I wanted to do was to cause an awkward scene, so I quickly paid and left. That was just about a year ago now, but I assume that you feel, as do I, that one more year, between friends, is hardly worth mentioning.
I have tried to keep up with your work over the years, but as you must recall, I am not much of a natural philosopher. There was something, if memory serves, to do with turtle beaks or some such. You were always much more patient than I, Charles. I never could stay focused on one thing for even a week. Frankly, My instructors at Deity School despaired of My amounting to much.
However, the joke is on Them, as I have managed to make a tidy living. Enough so that I can remain a Deity of Leisure and travel as the whim takes Me. Not to seem boastful, but things have gone well enough for Me that I am, at this moment, preparing to embark on something of a voyage of discovery. There are certain islands, if you will, of wonder on this globe which it has always been My dream to visit. I am speaking, of course, of those various monuments to Me built primarily in the American South which I like to call the Gawd Themeparks. perhaps I, too, shall subsequently write a book about My voyage.
Charles, they’re calling My flight, so I must bring this pleasant letter to an end with the apology that I promised and that you so richly deserve.
I am sorry that it has taken Me 150 years to return the fourteen shillings and sixpence I borrowed from you in 1858. Enclosed, you will find a two-pound coin, as that is the smallest denomination I have on My person at the moment. You can owe Me the difference.
Wish You Were Here,