Dear Charles Darwin…

In hopes this card finds you well.

In hopes this card finds you well.

Down House, Luxted Rd., Downe, Kent BR6 7JT

Dear Charles,

  What must you think of Me?  I am tempted to say that the reason it has taken Me 150 years to apologize is that I was looking for the carte juste.  However, I feel that you may see through Me on even a cursory inspection of this greeting card purchased at an airport newsagent’s scarcely five minutes prior to this writing.  Nevertheless, please believe Me when I say that this apology is just as heartfelt as any apology I have ever made.  Mea, as they say, Culpa.

  I realize that it has been some years since we have spoken, for which, of course, I don’t blame you, as I have been on holiday.  In fact, I might not have remembered to write at all, but I was touring the Natural History Museum in London fairly recently and stopped by the snack bar for a pint.  I glanced around at one point and thought, “That chap looks familiar.”  Just in time, I realized that it was you, Charles, and that I owed you something.  Of course, the last thing I wanted to do was to cause an awkward scene, so I quickly paid and left.  That was just about a year ago now, but I assume that you feel, as do I, that one more year, between friends, is hardly worth mentioning.

  I have tried to keep up with your work over the years, but as you must recall, I am not much of a natural philosopher.  There was something, if memory serves, to do with turtle beaks or some such.  You were always much more patient than I, Charles.  I never could stay focused on one thing for even a week.  Frankly, My instructors at Deity School despaired of My amounting to much.

  However, the joke is on Them, as I have managed to make a tidy living.  Enough so that I can remain a Deity of Leisure and travel as the whim takes Me.  Not to seem boastful, but things have gone well enough for Me that I am, at this moment, preparing to embark on something of a voyage of discovery.  There are certain islands, if you will, of wonder on this globe which it has always been My dream to visit.  I am speaking, of course, of those various monuments to Me built primarily in the American South which I like to call the Gawd Themeparks.  perhaps I, too, shall subsequently write a book about My voyage.

  Charles, they’re calling My flight, so I must bring this pleasant letter to an end with the apology that I promised and that you so richly deserve.

  I am sorry that it has taken Me 150 years to return the fourteen shillings and sixpence I borrowed from you in 1858.  Enclosed, you will find a two-pound coin, as that is the smallest denomination I have on My person at the moment.  You can owe Me the difference.

Wish You Were Here,



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