Dear CERN…

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Photo: Getty Images

Secret Lab; Franco-Swiss Border

Dear Cernites,

  Fellows, I want to iterate right from the beginning that I like sciencey stuff.  All that looking at squidgy things, faraway things, old things, tiny things and, yes, old, faraway, tiny things that may or may not be squidgy.  Following you, figuring out how I made it all, is so much more exciting that turning on the omniscience for a second and just knowing it without any evidence.  Hey… you ever notice how “omniscience” has “science” right in there?  If I remember My Latin, and I do, “omni” means sort of all of everything, so you could kind of say that I am a scientist too.  Obviously, I don’t have the time to devote to it that you do, or the patience, really, but I still feel like one of the team.

  I once heard some guy say that there’s no “I” in “team” – which is true.  However, there is an “M” and an “E” and it goes without saying that the de facto and de jure leader of any team that I am on is Me.  Which brings Me around to why I’m writing.

  I’m afraid I’m going to have to pull the plug.  Yeah.  You had a great run and I’d be the first to say that the Super-Collider was a keen idea, but I’m afraid it has to go.  I care about finding lost sailors as much as the next deity, but it’s time to give up the search for Bo’sun Higgs.  I am informed by Reliable Sources that flipping the switch on your giant flashlight will cause it to hoover up the entire universe like a handful of cake crumbs.

  The major problem with hoovering up the universe is, of course, that it would severely crimp My vacation.  Also, I must say that if there’s anyone I admire more than you sciencey guys, it’s someone who’s not afraid to sue the bejesus out of someone.  So between My philosophical sympathy for panicky litigation and My hesitation to null all of My frequent-flyer miles, it looks like you’re going to have to give this collider thingy a miss.

  This is not to say that I don’t appreciate you kissing up to Me by naming a particle after Me, but My upcoming holiday in Kentucky has to take precedence.  They’ve built a “Gawd Themepark” down there and some things are just more important than science.  Being who you are, I’m sure you’ll bow to the rationality of My decision.

Wish You Were Here,



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