Dear Scott Snyder…

New Beginnings Bible Fellowship

68 West Main St. Windsor, PA  17366

 

Dear Scotty,

 

  You may or may not know that I recently helped a former business acquaintance out of a jam.  He, like you, very much likes to “lay hands” on sweet, young girls.  I did this for personal reasons, which I need not bother you with at the moment.  However, before you get the idea that I do this sort of thing on a regular basis, let Me make a few points.

 

  First, I am currently on vacation and I don’t like to let other people’s problems interfere with sunning Myself on the Cote d’Azure.  Second, I had good reason to want to see this former associate out of the country – you; I don’t care where you are, as long as it’s not around Me.  Third, I understand you’re already getting help from one of My boys’ militia leaders.  And finally, I have plenty of PR problems with some of the freaky-deaky stuff I’ve condoned in the past.

 

  So, let Me make it perfectly clear that you’re on your own.  Don’t bother sending Me any more whiny, incoherent postcards about how the world hates My boys and that’s why there’s nothing at all wrong with sending 70 icky text messages a day to one 14 year-old girl and kissing an even younger one.  Between you and Ted Haggard and every priest who never met an alter boy he didn’t lick, I can barely show My face in public!  Do you know how annoying it is to be hassled by cops in every vacation spot on earth?  If you don’t, you’ll soon have an idea.

 

  From here on out, I would strongly suggest that you switch over to Zeus worship.  Even you couldn’t embarrass Him.

 

Wish You Were Here,

 

~Gawd

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