Dear Little Children of the World…

Precious in My sight?  Sure.  Precious enough to help?  Naw.

Precious in My sight? Sure. Precious enough to help? Naw.


The World

(But primarily on My lawn and presently kicking the back of My seat)


Dear Kids,


  As I’m sure your parents have told you, My boys, the Jesii, love the little children of the world.  Therefore, by extension, I do too.  However, sitting here on Air China flight 2702 to Paris, with you – yes, you, Pierre Grandin – kicking the back of My seat, I am reminded that I may love the little children, but that has never stopped Me from smiting them.  At the absolute bare minimum, I promise you that there will be one more name on Santa’s Naughty List this year.  Eh, Pierre, how’d you like to find a couple of she-bears in your stocking come 25 Decembre?


  Speaking of airlines and surprises for kids, I was browsing through the duty-free shop and came across some interesting toys that you may be lucky or unlucky enough to see under the Birthday Tree this year.


  In keeping with the airport motif, there was the Playmobil Security Checkpoint.  Now that’s My kind of toy.  It will teach you valuable lessons about life.  It gets you ready for the harsh reality that is… well, reality.  This toy just cries out “Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here”.  A couple of hours with this educational plaything could save Me years of annoyance by teaching you the threefold lesson of “You are a faceless cog in the machine”, “Do what you’re told, or else” and “It only gets worse”.  Excellent!  Hopeful children annoy Almighty Gawd to no end.


  Then I saw something that did not bring joy into the heart of Gawd.  Do you know what that was, boys and girls?  That’s right – Armor of God PJ’s.  This is the sort of irresponsible thing that causes you to die painful, lingering deaths.  Would you like that, kids?  Well, pajamas like these will give you the crazy idea that I will protect you, when, believe Me, nothing could be further from the truth.  In fact, I’m quite liable to smite a chair-kicker while I’m on vacation, which is… anyone?  Anyone?  That’s right Suzy Hanners of Bowling Green, KY – “always”.  (If you study your physics, kids, you’ll know how I knew Suzy would think that in the future when she reads this postcard.)


  But then, I saw a toy just for the girls that, as the Good Book says, made My Gawdy heart grow three sizes that day.  Gods Girlz Fashion Dolls.  I prefer Sarah, of course, as she teaches young girls the way Gawd wants them to dress when they get a little older.  Abigail and Hannah are dressed more like hippies and I’m sure your parents have told you how Gawd hates hippies.


  But then, like a rollercoaster, Gawd’s heart sank into His stomach, children.  For, verily, I saw proof of the second-most heinous sin that you can commit… wait, third-most heinous.  I just moved “kicking airline seats” to number two and number one is the one your parents forbid without telling you what it is.  You know, the one that will make you go blind.  The third-most heinous sin that you can commit, children, is to not cut Me or Mine in on the royalties when you sell Jesus Dolls.


  I hope you’ve learned something here, children.  If nothing else, know this:  If you don’t stay off My lawn or if you bother Me while I’m on vacation – these are the toys you can expect on My boys’ birthday.


Wish You Were here (instead of Pierre),




P.S. – Tell your parents never to fly without a Knee Defender.


4 responses to “Dear Little Children of the World…

  1. I was very disappointed with the realism of the Playmobil set, it did not seem to include examination gloves…

  2. *Some accessories sold seperately.

  3. Coming up in the 2009 Playmobile Holiday catalog, your very own Guantanamo Bay Detention Center for Incorrigible Enemy Combatants. Comes complete with a waterboarding table with real running water!

  4. And Gawd looked down and saw that it was good… so long as it keeps kids from bothering Him on long flights.

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