Dear Olympians…

"Boxer Vase" from Hagia Triada in Crete

"Boxer Vase" from Hagia Triada in Crete


Somewhere Foreign – The Name of Which I Forget at the Moment


Dear Olympians,


  Not, I’m sure you realize, to be confused with My old drinking buddies Zeus, Hera, Poseidon, Ares, etc.  I am, of course, referring to all of you excellent young athletes who come together every four years to bring the disparate countries closer together, foster peace & understanding and to do your utmost to crush your opponents’ bodies and will.


  It always makes Me nostalgic for Ye Olde Dayes.  Back when I took a more active hand in things, (floods, pillars of salt, that sort of thing), I encouraged sports.  Primarily because good, healthy games kept My slaves chosen people too tired and busy for the most heinous sin in My sight – Onanism.  That one used to really freeze My piss.  No matter how many times I told them that every sperm was sacred, they just wouldn’t stop wanking.  At first, I tried appearing to them every time they did it, (You should have seen the look on their punims!), but it was taking up so much of My time I wasn’t getting anything else done.  Then, of course, when I appeared to the eponymous Onan he yelled “Oy vey ismir!” and dropped dead of a heart attack.  So I gave it up as a bad job and invented running, shot put, cheating and curling.


  As always, I’m flattered that the winners are giving Me the credit.  In the sense that I invented all of the summer games and one of the winter games, I certainly deserve heaps of praise and perhaps a bit more tithing.  As for causing your wins, to be fair, I didn’t really do that.  In a couple of cases I made sure a specific athlete lost – once to win a bet that covered My airfare to China and once for personal reasons.  You know who you are.


  Alright; I’m going to cut this short.  I’m sharing a VIP box with some of the old Greek gang and things are getting kind of rowdy.  Artemis just bet Hades He couldn’t eat 2-dozen hot wings in 5 minutes and Hephaestus is bitching like a 12 year-old girl about the smog.


  Good luck to you all and remember to thank Me when you win – it really chaps Zeus’s ass.


Wish You Were Here,




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