Dear Stuart Shepard…

Nebraskastorms.com

Photo: Nebraskastorms.com

C/O Focus on the Family

Colorado Springs, CO  80995

 

Dear Stu,

 

  Do you know why you, James Dobson, your families, your friends, your friends’ families and your acquaintances are often called “God botherers”?  I’ll give you three guesses as I take time from My vacation to answer your request that I “piss on Barack Hussein Obama, strike him with lightning and infest his underpants with flesh-eating bacteria.”

 

  Oh, I know that’s not what you wrote on the postcard or said on TV or even to reporters.  The thing is, I’m Gawd, and I accidentally turned on the omniscience when I was in the shower the other day.  So I know what you fellows really wished for.

 

  Ever since I took that kid, David, under My wing all those years ago, (I used to be a real sucker for an underdog), I’ve been puzzled by something.  Why is it that you folks send Me postcards asking for hellfire, damnation, scabes and slow, neverending torture – and then pretend you asked for something much nicer?  Perhaps you don’t realize this, but if you just expect Me to tell you what’s right and wrong and don’t use your own conscience, it atrophies.  I mean, Jesus Christ… oh, great.  Now My boys have showed up and are raiding the hotel mini bar.  Can’t a deity vacation in peace?

 

  To quote a number of queens over the years, We are not amused.  Why do you always want Me to get involved in your little dramas?  I am on vacation.  I don’t know how to say it so you understand.

 

  Ik ben op vakantie.

  Je suis des vacances.

  Ich bin auf Ferien.

  Είμαι στις διακοπές.

  Sono sulla vacanza.

  Eu estou em férias.

 

  Will that do it?  Does it stand out enough?  Is the font large enough?  Should I change the wording?  The deity is OUT.  Gawd has left the building.  Can you please leave Me alone now and deal with your own issues?

 

  Damn this omniscience; I already know the answer.

 

Wish You Were Here,

 

~Gawd

 

P.S. – I couldn’t help but notice you asked Me to rain on a political rival, but you never asked Me to rain on drought-stricken Africa.  I’m not going to mess with the weather either way, of course, but you could at least pretend to care.

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4 responses to “Dear Stuart Shepard…

  1. It’s a damned shame that you are so overworked, even on your vacation! Not fair. But it’s your fault. You wanted to corner the praise and worship market — you did it — and now you’ve got to contend with these morons. It’s in the job description, in the section marked “Responding to Spurious Petitions.”

  2. Anne,

    Gawd asked me to let you know that it’s not so much “overwork” as “not enough vacation”.

  3. Gawd,

    I hope you enjoy at least a bit of your vacation. We all need one.

    And tell the kids to go get their own minibar!

    Love,

    Frogspond

  4. Frogspond,

    Oh, He always enjoys vacation. it’s all the whiny postcards asking for ponies and rain and Ronald Reagan to rise from the dead.

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