Dear Alvis Delk…

Millard Fillmore's Bathtub

Photo: Millard Fillmore's Bathtub

 Stephenville, TX & Environs


Dear Alvis,


  Nice try, pal.  I’ll bet you were chuffed when you “stumbled across” an example of My boys’ amateurish artwork.  When I let Them take art lessons I never thought They’d leave so many pieces of Their “art” lying around.  I don’t mind people subsequently selling them on eBay for a profit.  Hey – it’s the Capitalist System I, Myself, invented, after all.


  But you’re doing something else and therein lies the problem.  Personally, I think everything they ever made, (mostly using food, which kept Their therapist in imported Italian loafers for years), is utter crap.  I do, however, believe strongly in giving credit where credit is due, (even, as I say, when it’s crap).  You have in your possession a prime example of Their Ironic Sculpture Period, circa last month.  Yet you’re trying to pass it off as an actual human footprint bisected by an actual dinosaur footprint.


  Al, I’m having trouble deciding whether to smite you or laugh at you.  I’ll probably end up doing both, and then setting The Lawyers of the Apocalypse on you.  Where to begin?  First off, no one in their right mind believes dinosaurs and humans were coexistent.  You know The Flintstones was just a cartoon, right?  Second, neither of the “prints” even looks like the real thing.  I’m no scientist, Myself, but I am Gawd and I’d say they look more like signifiers of footprints than actual footprints.  Third, and most important to Me:  You’d better recognize.


  If you try to pawn that thing off on someone without a clear provenance stating that it was made by a couple of crappy “artists” only months ago, My boys will sue you until your rectum falls out.  Once They’re through with you, I will take time out of My busy vacation schedule to smite you with boils, anal crabs, Whooping Herpes and a new one I plan to invent just for you.  Hey, Their work may suck, but They are My boys.


  On a happier note, I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that thinking of you and your compadres has given Me an excellent vacation idea.  Maybe I’ll even take the boys as a treat.  They haven’t been to Disney’s Fantasyland in years.


Wish You Were Here,




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