C/O The Leeds News
8024 Parkway Dr.
Leeds, AL 35094
Dear Johnny Walker,
I see that you are an advocate of My longstanding “You’ll Take It and You’ll Like It” policy. When I first instigated it, just after I caught a couple of your forebears poaching on My land, I wasn’t sure it would go over well. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about humans over the years, though, it’s that when it comes to Me you’ll just stand there and take it – and then apologize for not being enough of a little bitch. It almost makes Me want to cut My vacation short and get back in the God Game.
And that’s another thing; games. Every time one of your sports teams wins a game, it’s down to Me. When they lose, it’s because they didn’t want it enough. They could save themselves a bit of cash by hiring Me and sacking the rest of the players, since they’re obviously just holding Me back. But I digress.
You asked a very astute question in your column:
“Why do bad things happen to good people? Why would God allow things to happen to the innocent?”
And the answer is; Because it’s none of My business. I’m on vacation. Seriously, where did you get the idea that I was interested in justice or fair play or any of that crap? Don’t you remember when you were a kid and your brother peed in the bathroom sink and you got blamed for it? Don’t you think that if I gave a Tinker’s dam he’d have gotten the beating instead of you?
I guess that was just a momentary rebellious glitch, though, because you went on to do the usual, predictable thing. You told your readers to Take It and Like It. To tell you the truth, I can’t thank you and all the others like you enough. Without columns like yours and preachers telling people everything is a part of My Ineffable Plan, My mailbox would be stuffed to overflowing every day with complaints.
Funny story about that plan everyone’s always going on about. I’m really quite proud of how the “Ineffable Plan” meme took off. It all started one night in school when Bacchus and I were on one Hades of a bender. One cup of wine turned into two, two turned into three and before I knew it, He was passing out these stamps with Mickey Mouse on them and Phrew! – Here comes the A train. So right in the middle of it some mortal waiter or something, (I think it was Ganymede), showed up all weepy-eyed and wanted to know why We let bad things happen. I think he’d had some kind of lovers’ tiff with Zeus – anyway, there I was, on the verge of having My trip ruined and it just came to Me, like a bolt from Home or a gift from Me. I told him it was all part of the Big Plan, but since he was mortal, he was too stupid to figure it out or even understand it if I told it to him. I just wanted the kid to go away and quit bothering Me, but the Ineffable Plan idea just spread like wildfire and I’m glad to see it’s still going strong today.
So thanks to you and everybody like you over the years who have kept My vacation relatively bother free. Oh, and by the way, I’m a big fan of that Blue Label of yours. Good stuff.
Wish You Were Here,