It’s amusingly appropriate that I begin this postcard with “Dear John” – because I’m leaving you.
Well, that’s not technically correct since I’m on vacation and have never backed you, but I think it gets My point across. Sure, I’ve had a few things in common with you and your pals in the past, but to paraphrase Thomas Jefferson, “There comes a time…”. John, that time is now.
It’s true that My policies used to be a lot like yours and George’s. Pretty much exactly like yours and his, actually. I’m a big enough deity to admit it; I was a dick. Seriously. But there’s one thing I never did. I never voted to triple veteran’s health care fees while also opposing increased funding for the VA. Yes, I destroyed entire peoples, but when the Israelites got back from a hard day of Doing My Will, I didn’t tell them it was more cost-efficient to bleed out.
“Yes, but,” I hear you say. “In those days there was no such thing as the VA and the height of medical knowledge hadn’t progressed as far as the leech.” To that, of course, I say: Don’t be a disingenuous prick. It may be true that I didn’t care any more about the soldiers at the sharp edge of the phalanx than you and George do, but… well… but shut up or I’ll sue you for slander.
The point here is that a veteran who wants other veterans to vote for him probably shouldn’t say out loud that a soldier mangled in a training accident doesn’t deserve the same benefits as one who took a piece of shrapnel in the buttocks. Do you know who that sounds like, John? I’d tell you who, but every time I say his name an angel dies and the Cherubim Union gets all over My Holy Fundament.
John, I don’t know how to put this any more strongly: If I weren’t on vacation, I’d pull a Michael Jordan and come out of retirement to smite your ass. Actually, that goes for 1) every member of Congress who thinks like you do, 2) George & Pals and 3) Bill Paxton, (I don’t know anything about his politics, he just makes My Hallowed Eyeteeth itch).
So consider this the kiss-off. From now on, your postcards will be returned to sender.
Wish You Were Here,