Dear New York Times…

New York Times

Photo: New York Times


229 West 43rd St.

New York, NY  10036


Dear Grey Lady,


  Before you ask, this particular letter to the editor is not about The Intestinal Difficulties of My Neighbor’s Shih Tzu, nor about The Shameful State of Today’s Youth.  It is not even about The Unconscionable Delays in Construction at John F. Kennedy Airport.  No; this missive concerns the July 22 story, fourth in a series, by Olivia Judson.


  To the naked eye, Ms. Judson has written a clear, well-researched and interestingly-presented story about natural Selection.  But to the sort of people who look more closely, it is obviously a slap in My face.  As I have mentioned before, I’m on vacation and don’t generally take a hand in things, (beyond making sure the weather is nice in Cancun while I’m there.)  In fact, you might go so far as to say that I don’t give a “plug nickel”, (I understand this is a Family Paper.)  However, there are some things that Will Not Stand.


  It’s all well and good to talk about the head size of the Australian frog-eating snakes or vegetarian tendencies of Croatian lizards, but you miss a very important point.  To whit; when I tell you that 2+2=5 you’ll take it and like it.  Truth and the scientific method have nothing to do with it.  It matters not a jot that I was drunk and making a joke when I first told that whole “water in the sky, water on the ground – stars after the grass – only took 6 days” story.  It’s inconsequential that I’ve never really bothered to extend a steadying hand or that the “bible” people are always yammering on about is an unauthorized biography for which I never received a cent.  No, the point is that I am Gawd.  The ultimate authority figure.  I would say “Alpha & Omega”, but that’s not technically true either.


  Do not, not to put too fine a point on it, undermine My authority in front of the children.  There are a great number of people out there who would turn into serial-murderer, rapist jaywalkers overnight without someone to tell them what to believe.  Is all that guff about making women out of ribs and such true?  Of course not.  You know it and I know it; I’ll even admit I should have told everyone the truth long ago – but it would have interfered with My vacation schedule.  But it’s too late now.  Too many people believe it to switch boats midstream.  We’re all going to have to just ride it out.


  It’s a lot like when I told My boys the Tooth Fairy left money under their pillows.  Should I have told Them that?  No.  Did it get wildly out of hand and end up costing Me every time They skinned a knee or stubbed a toe?  Yes.  Did it nearly break Me when JC got power stapled to a couple of railroad ties?  Indubitably.  But I didn’t set Them straight, or even explain that it was the Tooth Fairy, not the All-Over Body-and-Soul fairy.  All because I didn’t want to see Them traumatized.


  “Better Ignorant than Uncomfortable” is My motto.


Wish You Were Here,




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