Dear Mark Biltz…

Reverential or annoying?

Reverential or annoying?

 

P. O. Box 7881
Bonney Lake, WA 98391

 

Dear Mark,

 

  Yes, all right.  I understand you’re trying to get My boys’ attention.  Really, though, I think you’re going about it the wrong way.  First of all, which Jesus do you want to pay attention to you?  If it’s Republican Jesus, He’s for any group with “Israel” in the title, but He’s generally too busy hanging out with His buds, doing the things they do, unless you make it worth His while, monetarily.  If you’re looking for The Holy Hippie, I would find some other way to get His attention.  Ever since He got initiated into The Deity Club with the old spikes-through-the-extremities wheeze He’s been… a little fragile.  If you start blowing trumpets all over the place and He happens to be near enough to hear them, it may cause another nervous breakdown.  As it is, I have to be very careful when I invite Him on vacations with Me.  Phrew!  I took Him to see Notre Dame Cathedral a few years back and between the graphic crucifixion porn and the coin-operated souvenir machines he had some ugly flashbacks.  Really screwed up My vacation.

 

  Speaking of the boys, I noticed on the intertubes that you’re telling people there’s going to be a “second coming” in 2015.  At first, I thought it was some sort of unfortunate sexual dysfunction, but then I remembered that I’m the One who created all of the diseases and dysfunctions and whatnot and that wasn’t one of mine.  So I looked it up and it turns out to be one of those stories to scare your kids with.  “If you don’t eat up all your Brussels sprouts, the world will end and Jesus will throw you in a pit,” kind of thing.

 

  Me-damn!  You people are sadistic, aren’t you?  Sure, I invented disease and death and the bot fly, but that stuff is necessary.  Can you imagine what this place would be like if no one ever died?  You think the DMV is bad now…  Terrifying kids, though?  Seems pointless and abusive to Me.

 

  So at first, I didn’t much care one way or another about this ram’s horn thing you want to do.  I mean, I’m on vacation anyway.  Now, though, I’m pretty sure I don’t want you around My kids.  Stay away or My lawyers will slap a restraining order on you faster than a wildebeest in a Ferrari.

 

Wish You Were Here,

 

~Gawd

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2 responses to “Dear Mark Biltz…

  1. I am soooooo glad I found this.

    Gawd, keep the postcards coming.

    And

    Yes, you should be concerned for your kids with these folks. They will stop at nothing. Perhaps a lawsuit for unauthorized use of your name?

  2. Gawd is certainly not averse to a bit of strategic lawyering, but sadly, He neglected to copyright His name when He had the chance. So now any schmuck can use it.

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