Dear Record Industry…

South Park

Album Cover: South Park


C/O Tooth and Nail Records, Seattle, WA


You Bastards,


  I was catching a flight out of Heathrow this morning and ran into an old acquaintance of mine hopping a flight to Cairo.  Well, I say “acquaintance” but it’s a little more complex than that.  You see, I went to high school with this guy named Beelzebub – Homecoming King, Most Likely to This, Most Likely to That; you know the type.  Everybody expected Him to get to the top of Olympus before you could say, “Robert is your maternal parent’s sibling”.  Like many geniuses, though, He had a weak spot – gambling – and I was what they call nowadays an “enabler”.  We used to bet on the craziest stuff.  So when things went pear-shaped for Him I felt a little guilty and gave Him a job as My official “arch-enemy”.  Eventually We both went into semi-retirement and went Our separate ways.  These days I generally only smite through My lawyers and He only tempts through one of the big advertising firms in NYC.  He came up with some great stuff in His day like High Karate cologne, (distilled from His own bodily waste fluids), everything marketed by Ronco and, of course, His pièce de résistance – Rock ‘n Roll.


  So We caught up a little, had a couple of bad cups of coffee and rushed off to our planes.  Still faintly smiling, I sat down in first class, jacked My earplugs into the aircraft’s music system… and grabbed up the handy barf bag.  Which finally brings Me around to why I’m writing.  I just can’t stand by and watch you pervert the work of a former friend and employee.  Whoever came up with this “Christian Rock” concept should have all of their soft bits removed with an Ebola-covered grapefruit spoon.  Everyone who greenlit the idea or gave a contract to one of these so-called musical bands deserves to have their bowels infested with locusts, (Believe Me, I’m that close to doing it.).  Each and every individual who has purposefully listened to this product of a truly diseased imagining, well, they’ve already gotten what they deserve.  That’s before My boys sic the family law firm on all of you for defamation of character.


  You can be Me-damned sure that United Airlines is going to get a scathing letter of their own.  Someone there had to, with malice aforethought, choose to pipe a band called Kutless*, (So named – and I’m not making this up – because they’ve got this crazy idea that one of My boys “took [their] cuts for [them]”), into the unsuspecting ears of innocent passengers.  Passengers whom, I might add, buy a lot of first class tickets.


  Consider this a cease and desist letter.  If you do not, I swear to Me that Beelzebub and I will come out of retirement for one last gig.  I’m sure I don’t have to elaborate.


Wish You Were Here,




*Postscript:  Before mailing this, I wrestled with the Holy Laptop and looked up Kutless on the intertubes.  Kudos to Google for recognizing dangerous crap when they see it.


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