Dear Cracker Bandit…

Not sure where the pic came from, but boy, is it tasty.

Not sure where the pic came from, but boy, is it tasty.


Currently in a Super 8 Motel, 410 Route 46 West, South Hackensack, NJ


Dear Mr. Bandit,


  I’m sorry it’s taken a week to get around to you, but I’ve been very busy and had to shuffle a few things around just to fit you in.  At first, I wasn’t sure which of My boys you kidnapped, RJ or DFH, but it’s become increasingly clear that you must have the hippie one.  I took them both to the Women’s Basketball Hall of Fame in Knoxville, TN last week and I guess I should have paid more attention when DFH said He “felt like something was missing”.  I just assumed he was making one of His frequent passive-aggressive digs about My choice of vacation spots.


  My press agent says I shouldn’t give in to terrorist demands because it will make Me look weak, but you seem like a nice enough kid so I’ll see what I can do about these demands of yours.  However, don’t imagine that I couldn’t smite the unholy excrement out of you if I wanted to.  It’s just, you know… I’m on vacation.


  Alright, number one; I’m afraid Joey Ratz doesn’t let them march in costume or uniform or whatever.  So, while I happen to know that there are thousands of pictures of Catholic Cardinals marching in gay Pride parades, you’re just not going to be able to pick them out of the crowd.  As for Donohue smooching a dude in a dress, well… while he’s done a lot of crazy things other Catholics would plotz about he has never knowingly kissed a tranny on film.  Sorry.


  Demand number two:  This one, I think, is a good idea.  I’m all for it.  I wish someone had told Me and the rest of the gods about condoms thousands of years ago.  The Greeks, for one, would certainly be thankful.  Man, when We were in college… ahem.  That’s not relevant at the moment.  Anyway, as I say, I’m all for it and I’m sure My boys are, too.  RJ always wraps up when He goes on his “dates”.  Consider that one done.


  If 50% is good enough for you, then we’ve got a deal and you can pop little “Josh”, (Lima & Stockholm Syndromes, anyone?), on a bus.  Keep in mind, though, that I don’t really have much in the way of influence with Joey Ratz and his folks, so no promises.  If you can’t agree to that… meh.  I’m on vacation.


Wish You Were Here,




2 responses to “Dear Cracker Bandit…

  1. I can’t decide if this is the Real God. On one hand, the Omnipotent Creator and Master of Space and Time is apparently powerless to get some priests into a gay pride parade, which shows laziness and indifference.

    But there is evidence against his legitimacy, too. Being willing to haggle and compromise, for one thing. There’s no biblical precedent for that sort of thing.

    This will require more consideration. I’ll consult Josh later — right now, he is literally buried in a slice of cheesecake. A lifetime of fish and figs does give some people cravings.

  2. I just got a message on my machine from Gawd. I’m not sure I trascribed it perfectly. There was some kind of party going on in the background, but here it is.


    “There’s that Me-damned unauthorized biography rearing it’s ugly head again! How many times do I have to say it? This “bible” you refer to is, to put it bluntly, a tissue of whoppers.
    Okay, well, some of it’s based on fact; I did My fair share of smiting when I was younger and I did flood the entire earth – once – but that was all down to government regulations on paying back My student loans, really.
    But, hey, do what you want… I’m on vacation.”

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