Dear Jesse Ventura…

Countdown.org

Cartoon: Countdown.org

 

C/O Braverman/Bloom Co., 6399 Wilshire Blvd.  Los Angeles, CA  90048

 

Dear Jesse,

 

  I certainly hope this postcard gets to you before the filing deadline.  I know an email would have been quicker, but I got so tired of all the Cialis spam I smote My Gmail account, yea even unto the seventh generation.

 

  I just wanted you to know that I appreciate the request for advice.  However, I couldn’t help but notice a bit of snarkiness in that “apparently told the president to invade Iraq” comment.  Let’s get some things straight here.  First, I never told GW to invade anything.  I’m on vacation and the only reason I even read the dozens of postcards he sends every week is because I owe his father one from back in 1943.  Please, do you think I enjoy endless crayoned requests for ponies, Dagwood sandwiches at 3:00 AM and more smitings than I can count?  For My sake, if I smote just Keith Olbermann every time George asked there wouldn’t be anything left but a smoking hole all the way to China.  Between you and Me, I think one of My boys, Republican Jesus, has been playing tricks on him.  I know I ought to do something about it, but hey… I’m on vacation.

 

  Also, snarky or not, telling Larry King, (who’s had a grudge against Me since grade school), that I sanctioned this Iraq debacle you’ve gotten yourselves into smells a lot like libel to Me.  If you want to see what a plague of locusts looks like, just watch My lawyers in action.

 

  I’m sorry I had to bow-up at you there, but I’ve found it’s best to make My position clear from the start.  It saves Me having to turn people into salt pillars and such, which can put a serious crimp in a nice, relaxing holiday.

 

  So, to get back to your request, here’s My advice:  Do what you think is best.  I’m on vacation.

 

Wish You Were Here,

 

~Gawd

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s