Dear Bob Ross (Youth Pastor),
Bob, do you know why I don’t vacation in Iraq, Serbia or Yemen? It’s because the tourist attractions are full of bullet holes. I haven’t even been back to see the Sphinx since the story started going around that Napoleon’s troops shot off the nose. Also, coincidentally, a fair number of people seem to end up with bullet holes, too. So imagine My annoyance when I found out you were giving assault rifles to teens. What if I wanted to go to Frontier City for the next leg of My vacation?
You say the winner of the giveaway would respect the rifle, and your conference is about teens finding faith. I’ve got to tell you, Bob, that sort of talk sets off alarm bells for this deity. I don’t know if you recall, but even though I’m on vacation, I’m still what you might call a “Jealous Gawd”. Of course, I don’t actually listen to it, but just the thought of you all out there praising Me and going on about how cool and powerful I am makes My vacation time that much sweeter. But when I find out that you’re pushing gun porn on the kids – well, that’s where the jealous bit comes in. If you’re locked away in your room fondling your guns, then you’re not incessantly reminding Me how much I love you all; and if you stop doing that, I’m liable to forget.
Furthermore, I don’t want to tell you how to raise your kids, but Me knows, there are things you just don’t want to see them get into. Once they stop praising Me 24/7, anything goes. Gun porn leads inexorably to Mormom porn. Take My word for it.
So, quit frickin’ up My vacation, lock yourself in your room and tell Me how just amazingly terrific I am.
Wish You Were Here,