Ask Gawd

Thanks to sciencetheatre.org

Thanks to sciencetheatre.org

   For the past few thousand years you, (yes, you, don’t look around all surprised-like), have been interrupting My vacation with your annoying, whiny postcards.  I mean, when I crushed Sampson and wiped out Job’s wife and kids, you’d think I’d have gotten the idea across.  The “Do Not Disturb” sign is on the door – can you not read dead languages?  Evidently, this is too difficult a concept for you to grasp, so I’m going to try something new.  Every so often I’ll answer some of your postcards; with the strict understanding that this is the only time and place I will do so.

  So, here goes.  This first one is from Dobert Reanstein, (Names have been changed to keep you from being any more embarrassed than you have to be).  He, (or she), asks:

Dear Gawd,

  Are You Jewish?

  He, (or she), then goes on, without waiting for an answer, to assure Me that I am Jewish.  His proof consists of stating that

Jesus was a full blown Jew and that could only happen if both parents are Jewish. And remember, THE JEWS ARE THE CHOSEN ONES AND JESUS WAS JEWISH.

  Dobert, I’m almost sorry to disabuse you, but the fact is I’m Armenian, like My good friend Yossarian.  Therefore, this makes My boys, the Jesii, Jewmenian, since their mother was Jewish.  However, thank you for writing and I never want to hear from you again.

  Next is Cindy Lou Who, (Name changed, etc.), who wants to know:

Dear Gawd,

  Why is the sky blue?

  Cindy, where are your parents and why have they given you access to postage stamps?  Alright, alright.  The answer depends on who you ask.  Your Sunday School “teacher” will tell you one thing and someone who pays attention to how the universe works will tell you another.  Personally, I don’t know, except when I turn the omniscience on, which always ends up pissing Me off.  So, if you want to piss Gawd off, keep asking questions.

  Okay, that’s enough for now.  I’m hiking the Lycian Way this weekend and I don’t have time to force feed you answers to Life, The Universe & Everything.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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