Dear Christians…


 All Over the Frikkin Place

Dear Xers,

  I’ve often noticed that you tend to get somewhat confused over all of this theology stuff and end up just ignoring some of it and making up new bits as you go along.  It’s a lot like Dr. Who or Star Trek fan-fiction, only harder to believe.  And although it does amuse Me to see you wandering about the landscape, confused and incoherent, I’m going to do you a favor and try to clear a few things up.

  First of all, (oh, Me… I can’t believe I’m telling you this), well, Jesus?  He’s twins.  That’s right.  There’s two of Him.  It’s really a wonder people never seemed to notice.  Some of you already know about other fruits of My overactive loins, like Mithra, Romulus & Remus, (more twins; I’m a potent deity) and Dionysus, but the two Jesii have been a long-guarded family secret.  Add that to the whole Trinity thing and, well, I’m not sure what that comes out to, as math has never been My strong suit, but it makes for very long and abstruse Christmas cards.  I guess some of the confusion rests on My shoulders, as I couldn’t be bothered to come up with two names when They were born.  We’ve just always called them Republican Jesus, (RJ), and Dirty Fucking Hippy Jesus, (DFH).  You can think of Them as, on the one hand, Dick Cheney with a personality, but not as evil, and on the other, Neil from The Young Ones, only fewer people listen to him.  Of course, just like in the soap operas, Republican Jesus sometimes poses as DFH Jesus as a dirty trick.

  Okay, next:  transubstantiation.  That was something the boys came up with when they were just kids.  They were having some kind of squabble; one of them told the other “Eat Me!”, and before we knew it, every box of crackers in the kitchen was a disgusting mess of blood and meat.  The real trouble behind this nasty bit of cannibalistic theology lies in the nature of deification deifaction deitynessbeing a god.  The thing is, it’s just easier to create than destroy.  I know that’s counter-intuitive, but just look at the world.  I threw it together in six days – POW!  Then, on the other hand, it took forty days just to flood the damned place.  Hell, look at the dinosaurs; created in the blink of an eye, but it took millions of years and the advent of bungee jumping to finish them off.  So, as gross as the whole thing is, I just can’t seem to get rid of it.

  Finally; the Trinity and the Virgin Mary.  Honestly, they’ve got nothing to do with Me.  “The Trinity” and “The Virgin Mary” were just some crap your predecessors came up with in order to convince Egyptian Xers to Get with the Team and Come on in for The Big Win.  Ha!  Boy, you guys will believe anything, won’t you?  I mean, take those two bits of dogma together and it could make a normal person’s head explode.  let Me just clear it up, once and for all.  There’s Me.  I’m Gawd.  Then there’s DFH Jesus.  He’s My son and He’s a god, but He’s not The Gawd.  Then, there’s this “Holy Spirit” thing which I can only assume came about as a result of my boys being spotted in more than one place at the same time.  But all the same deity?  What, are you high?  Haven’t you ever watched Star Trek?  Ask Scotty what happens when two people try to inhabit the same space.

  As for the so-called “Virgin Mary”… puh-lease.  Children aren’t delivered by the stork, you know.  Take My word for it, she was about as virginal as Madonna on the day she borrowed Paris Hilton’s vagina.  ‘Nuff said.

  So that’s that and I hope I’ve cleared up a few things for you.  No need to thank Me; that’s just the kind of deity I am.

Wish You Were Here,



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