Dear “Joey Rats”,
I’ve been getting a lot of postcards recently from people wanting Me to not only kill Webster Cook in as grisly a manner as possible, but also to send him to Hell forever and ever; (although why they should want him to crash at My bookie’s place is beyond Me). Evidently, this kid walked out of church with a mouthful of My boy and now they want their own pound of flesh.
As Pontifex Maximus, you should know better than anyone that I’m on vacation. So, obviously, I’m not going to do anything. However, I thought you might say a few words about it. I don’t think My boy is going to say anything, himself, as He’s pretty busy right now. But take My word for it; He’s concerned. Even though there are now stormtroopers guarding the rest of Him, they can’t be everywhere. Just imagine if everyone walked out of mass with a wafer-thin slice of My boy. The implications are profoundly alarming. First of all, if enough people did it, He might disappear altogether. Or a Mad Scientist might put together all of the pieces and make their own deity. Or a crooked cop might plant His DNA at a crime scene. I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. You must nip this in the bud. As added incentive, let Me tell you that if I have to get involved you will be named in the lawsuit.
Wish You Were Here,