Dear Jesus’ General…

Waaay down upon the Bloo-dy River...

Secret Survivalist Bunker, Somewhere in the Midwest

Dear General,

  I see that you’re something of a fan of My early work.  That’s certainly gratifying; thank you.  However, you’re making the rather too common mistake of forgetting that I’m on vacation.  I know it’s a hell of a coincidence and there have been a lot of fingers pointing at Me, but the recent fires, floods and hurricanes have, to put it crassly, fuck-all to do with Me.  Actually, it’s a little insulting.  I mean, back in My prankster days I really pulled some top-notch practical jokes, like the Egyptian number you mentioned, or, (My personal favorite), wiping out all but a handful of humans over some “wickedness” I made up one morning while hungover.  That one’s still paying dividends.  You can see the fruits of inbreeding everywhere.  So, really, I wouldn’t sign My name to these paltry disasters you have today.

  In any case, it’s always good to hear from the fans.  Keep up the good work on My boy’s behalf.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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