Dear In God We Trust…

Unless you live in a trailer park.

Zion, IL

Dear In God,

  I’ve got to say that until I started getting your postcards, I thought that phrase was just a witty album name my old buddy Jello came up with one night while we were blitzed out of our minds at this little hole-in-the-wall bar in Frisco.  See, the joke is that I told the band I knew where this great party was and I’d get us in, but I was so drunk I couldn’t remember how to get there.

  Anyway, that’s neither here nor there.  The reason I’m writing is that I could have sworn I told you not to change your name.  At least, I think I recall explaining that I had My name copyrighted and trademarked years ago.  Therefore, I’m pretty much obligated to sic My lawyers on your ass.  Even though you’re obviously trying to make money off of it by signing your paintings with the new name, I would normally just let it go.  I mean, if I sued every time some yahoo used My name in vain, I’d never do anything else.  However, unluckily for all of us, (and you especially in this case), I found out about you just after I heard My old friend George Carlin had died.  You see, he was great at keeping people off My back and getting it through people’s thick heads that I’m on vacation.  So I was already upset before I heard about you.  Now you’re going to find out that we deities aren’t above the occasional petulant tantrum.  Prepare to be sued as you have never been sued before.  If you think Sodom and Gomorrah was bad; if you think what I did to Job and to Miriam sucked; wait until Fire, Brimstone & Wrath, LLC get through with you.  I’d say ask Lot’s wife or Sampson about it, but you can’t, can you?

Yrs Sincerely, &tc.,

~Gawd

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