Dear Big Oil…

There's this saying about foxes guarding things...

Willard InterContinental Washington Hotel, Washington, DC 20004

Dear Messrs. Oil,

   This is to inform you that I am in receipt of your postcards of the 14th of June, sent “overnight delivery” and marked “Urgent”.  If I am reading your somewhat hysterical requests correctly, you seem to feel that the universe is coming to an end.  I shall begin at the beginning and answer your requests in order, (although I am on vacation at the moment).

  First, the request that this process not work – denied.  Science is science, and I’m on vacation anyway.  Also, no one likes a big, fat, greedy SOB.

  Second, that it be worse for the environment than the oil you sell – ditto the above answer.

  Third, that these bacteria only turn diamonds and little baby kittens into oil – denied.  I understand it uses wheat straw and wood chips and such.  Plus… you’re sick.

  Fourth, that it take an expensive and, if possible, painful car modification to use – again; science, vacation, your greed is putting Me off dinner at the Bellagio Casino Buffet.

  Fifth, that it cost much more than even you are willing to charge – denied.  I understand it will cost less, especially in the long run.

  Finally, just so you’ll sleep better at night, that I “smite LS9 and all who have ever heard of it, (excepting us)” – denied.  I’m on vacation; I promised a group of South American, Amerindian and Pacific Island gods I’d go to anger management classes to quit that sort of thing; and of course, I have to pay to fill up My rental car, you putzs!

Wish You Were Here, (on this slippery-decked boat in the middle of the ocean),



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