Tag Archives: Religious Charity

Dear Mrs. Mary Parker…

million-pounds

[Note to Postman:  For hand delivery, presumably somewhere in Nigeria.]

Dear Mary,

  I received your postcard and couldn’t be happier to help.  When I thumbed through yesterday’s mail and saw this;

I am Mrs.Mary Parker, my husband deposited 11.5 Million Pounds with a
Bank when he was alive. I’m suffering from esophageal cancer,Stand-in as my beneficiary and collect the Funds finance Charity Organisations.if you are interested, reply to  Email: sisterinchrist002@ymail.com

I was tickled pink.  Usually when brand-loyalists send postcards they’re full of depressing requests like “Please make Mommy better,” or “Please take care of Scruffy up in Heaven.”  If not that, they usually ask Me to smite someone or to put in a good word for them with their boss.  I usually don’t reply.  I mean, what am I supposed to say?  “Mommy wouldn’t have syphilis now if she hadn’t been so sinful when she was 19, so she’s on her own,”?  “Thanks, but I don’t want a dog who can’t be bothered to look both ways,”?  Really.  I’m a busy Gawd.  That Chateau Lafite Rothschild ’98 isn’t going to drink itself.

  So when I saw that you weren’t asking Me to cure your esophageal cancer, but to collect 11.5 Million Pounds, I was touched.  And speaking of touching, I assume from your email address that 1/10th of that sum would be going toward My vacation fund.  In order to save you the trouble, especially in your weakened state, I will simply pocket the 150,000 Pounds, plus the small gratuity I’m sure you would want to offer, before turning it over to you.

  It’s times like these that I thank Me for people like you and Kendra Todd.  She wrote a best-seller called “Risk and Grow Rich” that brings in money hand over fist.  As she is such a dedicated brand-loyalist, I have no doubt that I will see a good chunk of that cash any day now.  You and Kendra, who I have no doubt will both be extraordinarily generous with the wealth at your disposal, are the kind of brand-loyalists that can make up for the black eye the US Army just gave all of you.

  As you may know, the Army is especially chock-full of My brand-loyalists.  It seems like a day doesn’t go by that I don’t hear about them persecuting My Chosen People, the atheists.  Which, of course, is all according to plan.  You can’t be one of My Chosen without taking one in the goolies every so often.  It gives excellent street-cred and builds character.  Just ask the Jews.

  But then the Army went and screwed it up by being miserly with the cash flow.  I expect charities to do two things; spread the wealth around so it can be tithed and kick back a significant portion directly to My vacation fund.  But Army Emergency Relief hasn’t been doing either.  They’ve got $345 million just sitting around not paying My hotel bills!  Greedy people really piss Me off.

  But that’s all beside the point, which was to simply thank you for the opportunity to do you a good deed.  Gratis; free of charge.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Dear Allah…

When you wish upon 72 virgins...

When you wish upon 72 virgins...

Seventh Heaven, Sitting on Your Arsh

Dear Al,

  I thought We agreed no magic.  I specifically recall having that conversation with You.  We said no healing, no telling the future, no 7-league boots, no Taragon’s Elemental Transformer, no Soulbind and definitely no Magic Mosques!  Yet here You are, barely into the game, and You’re cheating!

  Did You think I wouldn’t notice?  You plopped a $60 million mosque down in the poorest poor country in the history of poor, where people have sex nine months before Ramadan just so they’ll have something to eat on Eid, and You thought I’d overlook it?!  You really boil My Blessed Bunions!  I mean, come on.  Yemen?  Dubai, maybe.  Maybe in Dubai I might have missed it, but Yemen… Poseidon on a pogo stick!  How obtuse do You think I am?

  Okay.  You want to play dirty?  You’ve got to pay the piper.  First off, You skip a turn.  I’m taking two turns and on My first turn I’m resurrecting Jerry Falwell.  For My second turn, I’m airdropping him into Mecca with a bag full of Chick tracts and a t-shirt that says “Muhammad was a Feminist, Homosexual Abortionist”.  How do You like that?  And… AND I get a free wave of snackfood Jesii sightings.

  Speaking of food, You don’t get to magic up any food for the Yemenis.  If they get hungry, let them eat the Gingerbread Mosque.  That’s what happens when You cheat.  Your pawns starve to death.  Which reminds Me, no magical protection for the president of Yemen.  I wasn’t going to say anything, but now I see You think I’m stupid, so I call “Bullshit” on that “election” in 1999.  91.2%?  Really?

  Damn it, I hate playing with You.  Not only are You a cheating, fucking hack – but You suck at it.  I have spotted You… Every.  Single.  Time.  You haven’t changed one bit since school!  You were a cheating hack then and You’re a cheating hack now.  I wish You had been eliminated early, instead of Zeus or Odin.  Hell, I’d rather play with Fucti, God of That Stream That Dried Up One Summer In 4,012 BC than You.

  So I’m through taking Your crap.  The next time I catch You cheating – and I will – I’m telling all Your pawns about the raisins.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd