1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20500
I know you’re a good brand-loyalist. I know it because I’ve heard you say so on numerous occasions. I know it because, as far as I can make out, it’s illegal to be elected president of the US of A if you’re not. When people said you were a secret brand-loyalist for that hack, Allah, I just tapped the side of My nose in a significant and knowing manner.
Being such a good brand-loyalist, you must know what kind of Gawd I am. The jealous kind. The wrathful kind. The kind who likes a nice bottle of scotch at the end of the day. The loving kind? Not so much… except when it comes to My boys. I’ve got a real soft spot for the Jesii.
They tell Me you’ve got kids of your own. So maybe you can understand why I’m feeling a little smitey that you’re hogging Their limelight. The folks over at the Harris Poll called to tell Me that I am now ranked number 11 in their “Hero Poll”… up from “Unranked: less than 1%” in 2001. Like every year, they were giving Me the list of respondents names and addresses so I could reward/smite appropriately, and they happened to mention your ranking – relative to My boys.
I’ve never expected to top their poll, myself. And that’s okay. I mean, look at what Americans expect in their heroes:
- “Doing what’s right regardless of personal consequences.” Well, there are no consequences for Me. I’m Gawd.
- “Not giving up until the goal is accomplished.” My only goal is vacation, and while it’s true that I won’t give up on vacationing until the last star in the sky winks out, people don’t usually understand the dedication that takes.
- “Doing more than what other people expect from them.” I’m kind of between a rock and a hard place on that one. The brand-loyalists expect everything they can possibly imagine and more; and My Chosen People don’t expect anything at all, so I can’t do enough for most and only meet expectations for a few. It’s a lose/lose.
- “Overcoming adversity.” Ditto criteria number one. What adversity? I’m Gawd.
- “Staying level-headed in a crisis.” You flood one little planet… sheesh.
Anyway, like I say, I don’t expect to top the list. As long as I beat Oprah, I’m okay. But My boys… well, I like to see Them at the pole position every year. It shows that My Deadbeat Dad approach worked.
So I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse. Take a dive. No one’s asking you not to make a good showing, just not #1. Take an extra long time to cl0se Gitmo or turn a blind eye to Rove skipping out on Congressional subpoenas. Knuckle under a few times when the Republicans tell you “no”. You get the idea. Now, this first term, you may feel a slight sting. That’s pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.
Take My advice. You’ll be a hero to Me.
Wish You Were Here,