Where Women Glow and Men Chunder
Dear Chosen Ozians,
Are you trying to make the Baby Jesii cry? If you go through with your planned… er… plan of Divine Denial of Service, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. I know you mean to put Me, personally, offline because of something one of My brand-loyalists did to you, which I can understand. Believe Me, I know what it’s like to attack someone for something someone else did. Been there; done that; designed the t-shirt.
However, I’m not sure you understand how this prayer thing works. That’s understandable, as you tend to think along the lines of reality-based actions, whereas My brand-loyalists fully grasp the ways of the meta-natural, super-physicality that is My domain. It’s ineffable. You wouldn’t get it. My old pal Cthulhu’s minion, PZ Myers, almost has it right.
“[A]ll modern prayers are first funneled through a 110 baud modem, then passed further upstairs by telegraph, then pony express riders gallop it over to the Pearly Gates, and then a rewritten version is passed on to a team of long-dead Sumerian scribes for transcription into cuneiform on wax plates, and then and only then is it in a format that a bronze age patriarchal deity can understand.”
But, the crucial bit of the chain he is missing is that those wax plates are then stored in a warehouse complex outside of Santa Fe, NM for safekeeping. I never actually look at them. To be honest, I got a C- in Cuneiform in school. If it hadn’t been for cheating off of Enki, I probably would have failed the class. The only prayers that I actually receive are those which are handwritten on postcards and mailed to Me at whichever hotel I happen to be staying in at the time. So all you’re going to do is make extra work for the telegraphers, riders, scribes and forklift operators.
Normally, this wouldn’t bother Me, since I don’t pay those guys, anyway. The problem here is with My boys, the Jesii. That 110 baud modem is what They use to access the interwebs. You can take it from Me that if Republican Jesus can’t get on to glennbeck.com and Hippy Jesus can’t download Peter, Paul & Mary mp3′s, there will be some weeping and gnashing of teeth.
Actually, the real problem is that if the Jesii start calling Me up while I’m on vacation, whingeing away about no access to blogs, music and porn, I’m liable to start smiting. As you are a subset of My Chosen People, the atheists, I know you understand the way I deal with problems. I won’t take out My annoyance on the Jesii, who will actually be bothering Me, I’ll take it out on you by causing a hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico next hurricane season. I’ll take it out on you by smiting a telephone repairman in Sweden with lightning. I’ll take it out on you by causing a statistically insignificant rise in the number of miscarriages in Alabama. If I’m really cheesed off I’ll take it out on you by not helping some of My brand-loyalists find their missing car keys.
By now, I know that you’re literally quaking in your cork-festooned hats. You can thank your lucky stars, (and by “your lucky stars”, I mean “Me”), that you didn’t come up with a Divine Denial of Service that would have inconvenienced Me, personally. In that case, you would have had a lawsuit from Fire, Brimstone & Wrath, LLC in your hands faster than you could say “G’day”.
Wish You Were Here,