Somewhere in Chili Con Carne or Sopapilla or Huevos Rancheros
Dear Third-World Collectors of My Metallic Vacation Fund,
When your horrible ordeal began, I had no idea that this rescue craze would be so popular. If I’d known, I would have sent more than a handful of brand-loyalists to take credit on My behalf. Actually, I thought you guys were goners. When Republican Jesus called to tell Me how very big the rescue ratings were, I thought; Okay, it’s popular, but is it popular like crack cocaine or like gay bashing? Is it popular like incessantly running your tongue over a broken tooth or like bigotry? Like a train wreck or like date rape? Certainly those are popular things, but do they get the kind of press I want to be associated with? I have enough trouble distancing Myself from Glenn Beck. The last thing I need is headlines like “Gawd Snuffs 33 Miners“.
That’s one of the main reasons I stay out of the rescue business. They’re just potential PR disasters. Also, I’m on vacation. Besides, I can usually count on My brand-loyalists giving Me credit when the rescue comes off and keeping their traps shut when it doesn’t. They’re always giving Me great, (unpaid), PR. If you listen to the brand-loyalists, I’m like some kind of super hero who swoops in and saves the day at the last minute. The best thing about it, (other than the fact that I don’t have to interrupt My vacation and come to the middle of nowhere to fix someone else’s problems), is that hardly anyone ever wonders, “Hey, if omniscient, omnipotent, omnibenevolent Gawd is rescuing miners and curing people’s cancer and finding their car keys; who’s causing all the problems in the first place?” Of course, when some dickhole does ask uncomfortable questions, My, (again, unpaid), PR machine swings into gear and blames My professional scapegoat, Satan, or free will or something like that. I can get the credit without doing anything, so why bother?
So imagine My surprise when I found out I was trapped in that mine with you. Like I say, I’m happy to take the credit for all the hard work the rescuers did, but unless that mine has room service, a spa and a top-notch concierge, I’m certain I wasn’t there. In fact, I’d appreciate it if you’d stop telling people that. What self-respecting deity would be caught dead down a dark, dangerous, boring hole in the ground? Maybe Vulcan, but not This Guy.
Anyway, glad you fellas made it out alright, thanks for the shout out and don’t forget to put a little something extra in the collection plate this week and a big something extra once your book deal comes through.
Wish You Were Here,