Dear Pluto…

1 Death and Taxes Way, The Underworld

Hey, You daughter-snatching son-of-a-gun,

  How are You?  I was just thinking of You last night and I decided to drop a line.  I was in New York City for Comic Con and I found Myself being chauffeured along Central Park West, looking at the trees changing color and it reminded Me that it’s time for Your wife to visit… You incestuous, kidnapping fucker.  Ha!  We really need to hang out again sometime.  I forgot what a blast You are.

  Anyway, I was near Central Park because I was invited to speak at the 10th Anniversary Isaac Asimov Debate:  Is Earth Unique?  Normally, I don’t even reply to these sorts of invitations, but a) I convinced the Hayden Planetarium to pay My airfare and b) the question’s a no-brainer, right?

  So I got there and it turned out that they wanted Me to share a stage with some sciencey types.  Well, You can imagine the Wrath of Me I unleashed!  There’s at least one PR intern at the American Museum of Natural History who will think twice before  she utters the words “You’ll go on after Professor Adams…” again.  After I maturely threw My drink in her face, made her cry and calmly stormed out, It occurred to Me that the only responsible thing to do would be to stand in the back of the audience and heckle.

  This is where it gets a little spooky, as far as You’re concerned.  Now remember, I had just been thinking of You moments before.  Guess who the first person to walk on stage was?  Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson.  Yeah, I know, right?  Your arch enemy.  It really brings home that “more things in Heaven and Earth” stuff, doesn’t it?  I was so flabbergasted that I forgot to heckle out loud and just harumphed a few times and once pretended to cough while saying “Bullshit”.  As You well know, the answer to the question is a simple “Yes”, since I created everything* 6,000 years ago, solely for the use of the human race**.  But the science types hemmed and hawed and blathered on about Goldilocks and liquid methane and plate tectonics and the Moon until I was bored stiff.  The long and short of the thing was that one of them, Brownlee, agreed with Me in an overly sciencey way and the other four will be roasting in Hell™ for all eternity.

  The only other things worth mentioning were that all the scientists were men, so even if they never even acknowledged Me, at least they had that going for them.  The other was that I punked all those science geeks in the end.  Some kid in the audience was asking a question and was about to use the term “intelligent life” when I wriggled My nose and made him say “intelligent design”.  Ha!  It caused a low moan to race through the audience.  In the end I’m calling it a win for Me, since they all went home with “intelligent design” planted in their heads.

  Let’s plan to get together in the Spring when the old ball and chain leaves.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

*  For a given set of “everything”.

**  As far as they know.

4 responses to “Dear Pluto…

  1. Tyson is coming around. In his recent Nova special “The Pluto Files,” he admits the debate over Pluto’s planet status is ongoing. He has also said that he never publicly stated that our solar system has only eight planets. I wish I had known about this debate, as I would have attended; it’s not that far from where I live in NJ. In 2009, Tyson moderated the Isaac Asimov Memorial Debate, and the topic was Pluto and the definition of a planet.

    • Well, everyone gives Dr. Tyson grief about Pluto, but it’s been my impression that he isn’t a hair-splitter and he’s willing to call it whatever the astronomical community likes. It’s just that there’s got to be a clear definition of what constitutes a planet.

  2. OMGawd, thank you for this.

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