Dear Zeus…

Rural Route 1, Mount Olympus

Mister Zeus, (and I mean that to sting),

  I take one little vacation.  One measly break from the hard, hard work of being Me, and what happens?  I turn My back for an eye-blink of 6,000 years or so and You “accidentally” strike My boys’ favorite statue with lightning.

  Oh, I got your apology note when I swung by The Deity Club for a round of golf.  Though I hardly think a cocktail napkin stuffed through the vent on My locker with “Oops!  My bad.  It was an accident.  I owe you a drink,” scrawled on it constitutes a heartfelt apology.  And anyway, You ought to be apologizing to the boys.  They’re the ones locked in Their rooms, crying Themselves to sleep.

  Actually, if it were just Me, I’d probably let it go.  Maybe put itching powder in Your jock one day in the locker room.  That’s just the sort of practical joke I get a kick out of.  But this is My boys We’re talking about.  You know how much I care about Them.  On top of that, it’s been a pretty bad week for Me.  I just found out what the Catholic priests have been doing.  I mean, for fuck’s sake, I can’t think of a more disgusting, heinous crime.  You put a guy in charge of the most precious things in the universe, You ask him to nurture them and help them grow, and the next thing You know, they’re stealing cash right out of Your vacation fund!

  Believe You Me, there’s a special place in Hell for a guy like that.

  Anyway, just lay off the jokes right now.  Not that I can’t take one.  I’m not like some deities I could name; it’s just there are some things that are okay to joke about and some things that aren’t.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

15 responses to “Dear Zeus…

  1. It’s good to see that your six-millennia vacation has not dulled your edge.

    Zeus is a pussy compared to you. A measly statue destroyed in retaliation for the economic crisis you caused in his favorite country? Maybe if you flood the Acropolis he’ll get back at you by painting another picture of your son in a toilet.

    • An excellent likeness of Hippy Jesus in the morning before He’s had His morning light therapy and His second cup of St. John’s Wort tea.

  2. Let me see if I got this right. A Catholic priest who steals money from his church can have his “priestly faculties removed”* faster than Gawd ripped off Mary’s panties way back when. But, a Catholic priest who rapes children can’t be defrocked because defrocking is a terribly arduous process. I just want to make sure I have a proper understanding of the Holy Mother Church’s Holy Priorities. Who better to inform me than Gawd’s own personal postman?

    *Is it just me, or does having any sort of one’s faculties removed sound either naughty or vicious?

    • Chappie,
      That’s exactly right. It’s a matter of good discipline, (and priorities). Just like a dog, or a ferret or a pet rock, priests must learn through negative reinforcement. However, it’s useless if they aren’t caught in the act. If you punish them after they’ve moved on to another hunting ground parrish, then they don’t understand what they’re being punished for. If you catch them with the money in hand, then you can safely beat them and beat them. They’ll respect you for it. In any case, the kids have the rest of their lives to get over any unpleasantness. Money is defenseless and must be protected.

  3. When we were told “Jesus saves”! in Sunday School, they were talking about thrift habits?

  4. So what’s the deal? Zeus got herpes from a woman he raped, and he blamed it on gawd and knocked down one of His statues?

    Seems that lack of sense of humor is a common theme among deities, eh?

    • I think STD’s and unwanted pregnancies and such are just par for the course for deities. Though it’s certainly true about the senses of humor. What They generally find amusing would appall a serial killer.

  5. Why doesn’t Gawd take this Greek no-entity, put him into a blender, tint him with ochre, and sell him as a breakfast drink for his temerity?

    You know, “OrangeZeus”.

  6. I guess that doesn’t extend to “His Chosen People” (and I dont mean Koreans).

    Did he not sell a breakfast drink called “Ochre Hebrews”?

    • You’ve left me in the dust with that one, Sarge. I don’t get the reference at all.
      I do know that Gawd would sell anything for a few spondoolicks. He sold enough splinters of the True Cross™ to build a fleet of arks.

  7. You mean you’ve never heard of “Orange Jews”?

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