Dear Aisha…

Behind closed doors, In the kitchen, Under a rug

Dear Pip,

  How are you, sweety?  Long time, no see.  Well, actually, I guess I’ve never seen you, have I?  Since the day We met at your wedding to Mohammed, I’ve only ever seen your eyes and a finger that one time, which I swear was an accident.  And speaking of your wedding, what a party, eh?  I especially liked the balloon camels and date-flavored cotton candy.  I well remember how excited you were about the wedding gift I brought.  Of course, what 9 year-old girl wouldn’t be excited for a My Pretty Pony coloring book?

  I ran across this photo from your wedding and thought you might like to have it.  Mohammed was still relatively sober when this one was taken, so I thought it would be the best one to send along.  Once He got into that herd of goats, well…

  Er… Did I ever mention that was a very striking wedding sack burqa you wore?

Anyway, I’ll keep this short, since you’re just the female of the species and not supposed to talk to any other living thing.  Best wishes from Dad and My brother.  Oh, and watch out for priests, just in case.

Your Lord & Saviour,

“Uncle” Jesus

Dear Americans…

USA, North America, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way

Dear Nation of Brand Loyalists,

  I am verklempt.  Really, this was too kind.  To set aside a national holiday for sending Me postcards was just very, very thoughtful.  Not “thoughtful” in the sense of actually thinking, but “thoughtful” in a warm, fuzzy kind of way.  That’s My kind of thoughtful.

  Of course, I’m not going to read them.  I mean, I’m on vacation, after all.  But just knowing that you are officially a nation of My brand loyalists is a real shot in the arm.  Now, when I’ve finished off the Filet Mignon avec Sauce Bernaise and I’m wondering, “Why should I bother to order the Creme Brulee and a cup of Kopi Luwak?  What’s the point,” I’ll think, “I’ve got to do it for the brand loyalists.  It’s what they would want.”

  You have no idea how gratifying it is to Me to see you finally throwing off the chains of pinko socialistic oppression imposed on you by radical leftists like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson.

  I am truly gladdened to see you back on the proverbial straight & narrow.  Gladdened that you can put all this divisive “separation of church and state” nonsense behind you and devote your time to the important issues like tithing, free parking and ministering to sinners.

  Not gladdened enough to write back to each of you individually, you understand; not gladdened enough to answer any of your postcards, but gladdened nonetheless.

  As a sort of “thank you”, I’m enclosing a photo of Me and some little shit I was at Deity School with, suitable for framing.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd