Dear Atheists…

Hi Everyone,

  Sasquatch here.  You might know me as Bigfoot.  I just dropped by Gawd’s hotel to say hello and see if He wanted to have dinner with me and the Mrs.  The thing is, I forgot today was “The Jews Killed Our Lord & Saviour Day”, so Gawd has had to take a day off of His vacation to talk Hippy Jesus down.

  Well, I saw this stack of postcards and I couldn’t resist.  Atheists, as Gawd’s new Chosen People, this probably seems like kind of a crappy day for you.  Many of your co-workers are taking the day off to “go to church” while you’re stuck playing minesweeper in your cubicle or having to take up the slack at the baby rendering plant or simply finding that your Protocol for World Domination is having a slow day because the good guys are at a backyard barbecue church.

  Never fear.  Your old pal Sasquatch is looking out for you.  Well, to be honest, me and Nessie and Chupacabra were playing putt-putt golf a few weeks ago and started talking about how shafted you guys are when it comes to holidays.  Gawd’s former Chosen People, the Jews, came away with hundreds of holidays and they’re commanded to fuck off work every single Sabbath.  Today, the brand loyalists can take the day off with no worries just because Hippy Jesus couldn’t outrun the Jerusalem PD.  Then, just two days later, they get another holiday just because the easter Bunny dyed for their sins.  Where’s your day?

  That’s when Chupacabra said, “Why don’t they just make the next Friday, ‘God Still Not Real Friday’?”  Except, he didn’t say it that clearly or quickly, because he has the most appalling dental issues you can imagine.  Every time he says something it looks and sounds like he’s trying to chew his own face off.  Believe me, it’ll put you right off your beef jerky lunch.

  Anyway, I thought it would be funny to mess with Gawd by starting a holiday about Him not existing and doing it using His own stationery.  My wife says I’ve got kind of a dick sense of humor; but who you gonna believe, lovable furry old me, or a fucking sea monster who never fixes anything but fish for dinner?

Be Seeing You,

~Sasquatch

9 responses to “Dear Atheists…

  1. Well, TNIF. (Thank Nobody It’s Friday.)

  2. Maybe you can answer a question for me, Sasquatch: if one follows pantheism, does one get to observe the holidays of all religions? That could be a pretty good gig.

  3. A universalist pantheist would have it made – holidays 24/7/365.

  4. I’m a bit skeptic of this letter from Sasquatch. How do we know that he doesn’t have an axe to grind?

    Maybe if we set a there-is-no-god Friday, he will later change it to Sasquatch-is-real Friday. Who knows? It’s too hard to trust any of those invisible deities, really.

    • Skeptical? Invisible? The scientific, photographic proof is right there. Not only did he sign the postcard, but his picture is on the other side.

      We know there’s a Sasquatch because he wrote this postcard and we know the postcard is genuine because he says it is. What more proof could anyone need?

  5. In addition to Postie’s proof, may I offer this:

    Hundreds of millions of people have believed in Sasquatch for thousands of years. They can’t all be wrong.

  6. As another big guy, I resent how he can get away with just growing his hair out instead of having to deal with the headaches of finding proper fitting clothes. I suffer twice, for size and lack of hair growing power. Damn you, Sasquatch!

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