The Jesii’s General Delivers a Letter

  The Jesii’s General has intruded a bit on my bailiwick and delivered a letter from a deity.  I won’t deny that I’m slightly annoyed.  I mean, I don’t go around oil-wrestling teabaggers for the greater glory of Gawd, do I?  So, if anyone runs across The General at a militia meeting or a spatula store or something, let him know that I’ve got the mail thing covered.

~Postman

Dear B. Hussein Obama…

Secret Muslim Mosque, 5th Floor Basement, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Dear Mister Obama,

  I’ve got to hand it to you.  You almost had Me fooled.  I, (accidentally), watched you accept the Nobel Peace Prize from the bar at My hotel the other night.  When you told all those shifty foreigners, “Blah blah blah Gandhi.  Blah blah blah Martin Luther King… but I’m gonna keep whipping Afghan and Iraqi ass,”, I just about decided you were alright, after all.

  But then, as I passed the front desk of the Ritz-Carlton, Pentagon City, the  faceless functionary stationed there wished Me “Happy Holidays”!  Happy Holidays!  To Me, of all deities!  Well, you can bet your non-white derriere that I’ll be filling out a scathing rating card when I check out.

  Which brings Me to you.  Here you are, pretending to do My work by crushing Allah’s brand-loyalists right and left, when what you’re really doing is sending all the troops overseas instead of keeping them here for the most important war of all.  The War On Christmas™ (© Bill O’Reilly, 2005).

  You can wipe out all one hundred al Qaeda Club members in Afghanistan, and even bottle up the rest in Pakistan, but what does it boot you if the Homefront is lost, eh?  What about the Jesii?  How do you think They would feel if you lost the War On Christmas™?  Or, is that your plan?  Boy, it just goes to show that you can’t trust a Musselman or a dirty, filthy atheist, which many of My Teabagger brand-loyalists have pointed out you fit the bill for; a dirty, filthy, atheistic, foreign Musselman.

  Obviously, you shouldn’t take that personally.  My brand-loyalists just love My country so much that they feel compelled to point out things that other, saner, people might not notice.  It’s nothing personal.  Some of their best friends are foreign, brown and destined for an eternity in Hell… though they might not be able to name them off the tops of their heads.

  So, My point is that you’d better drastically change your policies, unless you want The Ritz-Carlton to receive an irate note and for My vast, overwhelming, (but downtrodden), hordes to boycott The Ritz and any other business that doesn’t kowtow to their My every whim.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Dear Internets…

Somewhere In My Computer

Dear The Internet,

  A few days ago, as I waited for a flight in the Terraces Lounge at JFK, I pulled out My newfangled Internetsbook that the boys gave me as an early St. Nicholas Day present and I Googled Myself, as any self-respecting deity would.  It didn’t take much “surfing” to realize that you, The Internets, have got some kind of nasty multiple personality disorder.  For the most part, you gave Me praise and worship and defense, as is only right.  However, I couldn’t help but notice that you sometimes contradict yourself.

  For instance, one of your, (I can only assume evil and misguided), personalities, called this little war that’s going in Afghanistan, “an open sore on the pockmarked face of history and an abomination before the sight of Gawd,”.  Where the Hell did you get an idea like that?  What kind of a hippy, commie, socialist crybaby do you think I Am?!  And, I might add, why do you hate the soldiers so?

  I thought I’d been pretty clear about what a good thing war is.  “Murder the Midianites,”  I said.  “Kill ‘em all and let Me sort ‘em out… if I get around to it,” I clearly stated.  “The only good Amalekite is a dead Amalekite,” I reasonably pointed out.  And if you were thinking that maybe I changed My mind, think again.  If you got Me and My boys mixed up, (for which, a smite on the wrist is due), take My word for it, They like to play war just as much as Me.

  So, look, don’t go all schizo on me.  As one of My favorite brand-loyalists used to say, “We’ve got to keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.“

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd