Somewhere off the Coast of Wales
Dear Irelanders,
Faith & Begorrah! I could kiss the Blarney Stone, (If it weren’t hip-deep in tourist lip-germs). You’ve passed a Blasphemy Law. Fantastic! I approve wholeheartedly. Of course, I won’t be vacationing there anymore, but that’s just the way the shillelagh crumbles. To be honest, I haven’t truly enjoyed Myself there since the Irish Hellfire Club closed down. Bacchus and Venus and I used to be members. Oh, what a hoot! You haven’t lived ’till you’ve seen Bacchus debagged and raddished for being too drunk to remember the password.
In any case, your fun days may be over, but your days of increasing the balance in My vacation fund are just beginning. Did I mention that this blasphemy thing of yours is brilliant? Well, it is. Anything that causes outrage among a substantial number of brand-loyalists is now not only illegal, but punishable with a fine! Beautiful! Obviously, these fines will go directly toward My vacation fund, (Where else would they go, eh?), and thus make the world a better place by affording Me constant access to first-class travel and rare & wonderful scotches. it’s really something of a dream come true for Me.
Don’t let My euphoria fool you, though. You’re going to have to work at this. All of those things you used to shrug off or not really notice or, worse, compromise on are now potential money-makers for Me. You must cry out against any and everything that causes outrage. In fact, you’ve got to dredge up outrage where none existed before. If someone bumps their head and yells, “Shite,” you must express your outrage. If someone takes a sip of Guinness and says, “Oh, Gawd, that’s good stuff,” you must cry out against the blasphemy of it. For that matter, if someone has a sip of Guinness at all, you must denounce them for the outrageously blasphemous sinner that they are. And don’t let the three Muslims or seven Hindus in the country get away with siphoning off any of My cash. If they try to have you fined for something as innocent as saying that Allah is a hack and His prophet, Mo, is a pedo, you must immediately vocalize your outrage at the blasphemy of suggesting that it’s not true.
As Sean Connery says, (He’s one of yours, right?), “If they pull a knife, you pull a gun. If they put one of yours in the hospital, you put one of theirs in the morgue,” and, I’m sure he would have added, “If they fine you for blasphemy, you declare their entire religion blasphemous.” That’s how I expect My brand-loyalists to handle this, (if I do say so Myself), “Gawd-send” of a blasphemy law.
Now get out there and be outraged. The travel industry is counting on you.
Wish You Were Here,
~Gawd
So, can I fine Ireland as a whole because the blasphemy law itself is blasphemous to me?
Well, sure… provided the money goes you-know-where. That’s the brilliance of the thing. Everyone gets outraged over something.
So if Gawd is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-uber-everything, why does Gawd need anti-blasphemy laws? Keep in mind the fines will go to Ireland, not to Gawd’s vacation fund which . . .
Wait. I’ve got it. I move to Ireland, open up a Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, wait for people to mock my church, then I complain to the government and file a civil suit under the blasphemy laws and viola, I have a stringed instrument. No. Wait. I have lots of money. Frickin’ brilliant.
Thanks for the idea, Gawd.
Obviously, these fines will go directly toward My vacation fund, (Where else would they go, eh?)
As (((Billy))) already pointed out, if the Irish government is levying the fines, the Irish government will collect and keep them. Sorry, Gawd, you’re not going to see one red cent of the money. In fact, if too many of those hot-headed Irish have to pay fines to the government, your vacation fund may suffer.
You may want to reconsider your support of the blasphemy idea.
Oh, great. You guys had to point that out. Now He’s sulking.
How can you tell that Gawd is sulking? What, he ignores prayers, busses crash, kids starve, buildings collapse, cigars go stale? Seriously. How could anyone tell that Gawd is sulking?
How could anyone tell that Gawd is sulking?
Perhaps things go well for a change?
Actually, it takes a very sophisticated instrument to detect the differences between sulky, vacationing, smiting, wrothful, loving and any compounds thereof. Gawd is a very subtle deity… except in His postcards.
All the people of Ireland need to start wearing shirts that say: FUCK YOUR GOD, and FUCK YOUR LAW!!!!
Thanks for stopping by, Michael. The subtlety of the t-shirt message is worthy of Gawd Himself.