Dear Brand-Loyalists…

Brand Loyalist Afterlife

Almost Everywhere

Dear Gawd & Jesiians,

  Even before I saw the informative chart on the reverse of this postcard and began worrying about the state of my vacation fund, I have been “viewing with concern” your lackadaisical brand loyalty.  It is, I’m sorry to say, rather pathetic.

  If I were one of you, (thank Me I’m not), and believed one of the, admittedly, contradictory things I’ve told one or more of your predecessors over the years, (quite possibly while drunk), I wouldn’t be so Me-damned wishy-washy about it!  Come on; if brand loyalty were the only thing that could keep Me and My family from eternal, red-hot poker-buggery, I’d be a lot more like those “I’m a Pepper” guys instead of the “plop, plop – fizz, fizz” guys who are only brand-loyal when they’re in trouble.  I would be, not to put too fine a point on it, on the streets every day yelling, “Drink Jesus!  It’s not only tasty, but good for you,” and “Jesus’ blood.  That’s good blood.”  Perhaps, “Double your pleasure.  Double your fun.  Two; two – two Jessii’s in one!”  Or, My favorite, “You’re in good hands with Gawd.”

  Even more importantly, though, I’d be tithing like mad in the hope that I could somehow bribe a wrathful Gawd into sending someone – anyone – else to the eternal, fiery pits of freakin’ torture instead of Me.

  You complacent bastards.  You think some magic Alka Seltzer is going to show up at the last second to save you?  It’s going to be more like, “Sorry, Charlie.  I’m looking for brand-loyalists with good taste, not who taste good,”… or something like that.  You know what I mean.  The point is, there will be a sign in the afterlife that says “You must have given this much to enter.”  I know I never told anyone about it before, but now you know, so start tithing.

  Really, people.  I’d give some thought to the fact that Hell is open for business, if I were you.  While it’s true that I’m not even letting Platinum Level Tithers into Heaven, (Not only is it My house and not yours, but who has room for that many guests?), at least you can ward off the red-hot catheter which takes eternity to insert, only to have it yanked out and the whole process begun again… for ∞ years… and a day.

  I’m just sayin’.  Sometimes you act like you don’t really believe all the stuff I’ve told you.  Is it just because of the contradictions?  Look, I can fix that for you.  I am a strong supporter of the Unitary Gawd theory, and I don’t want to bore you with the technicalities, but that means, in part, that anything I say is true because I said it.  So that ought to take care of that.

  So head on down to your local Gawd Shop and start spending, people… because a vacation is a terrible thing to waste.

11 responses to “Dear Brand-Loyalists…

  1. Explain, please, the habit of lying for Jesus — this idea that, if it brings a butt into the church, you can tell any lie you want. But doesnt inconsistency, inauthenticity and distrust lead to Gawd’s hotter subsidiary?

    • (((Billy))),

      Aren’t you familiar with the Unitary Gawd Theory? The ends justify the means. If Gawd does something bad it is, ipso facto, a good thing.
      As for the chart; sure. If brand-loyalists are inconsistent, inauthentic and distrustful, then they go to Hell. Easy-peasy.

  2. Gee Whiz, Gawd! Don’t you know there’s a recession going on down here? Some of your brand-loyalists are using what would have been their tithe money to pay mortgages they can’t afford, buy groceries junk food and beer, and put gas in their SUVs. Cut some of the brand-loyalists a break.

    Then again, since some of the brand-loyalists insist on assuring me that I’m irrevocably destined for hell, I have to admit that I’d get a kick out of it if you stuck some red-hot pokers right up their fat fannies. Thanks.

    • Chaplain,

      Gawd says that He doesn’t actually handle the pokers, Himself. Much too busy. He simply makes policy. However, (since it’s you), he will pass a memo downstairs with your suggestions in it.

  3. I think I already escaped hell with all the money I gave Gawd for 20+ years. Tell him to search his files and he will find my contributions on a folder named RRSP’s.

    Oh…Gawd is an American, isn’t he? Then the RRSP money I paid won’t help him. He may have to strike a pact with the devil (aka Revenue Canada) to get my contributions.

    • Lorena,

      On the one hand, Gawd has His fingers in every pie, (so to speak), and thus has received your voluntary contributions to His vacation fund.
      On the other hand… His motto is: “What have you done for Me lately?”

      • “Gawd has his fingers in every pie”? I thought it was just Mary.

        Lorena: Considering that for Gawd, a second is like a thousand years, just explain you’ll get to it in a couple two-three seconds, haina?

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