Dear Jerry Lawson…

Gawd Likes It Freaky

Gawd Likes It Freaky

C/O Daystar Church, Good Hope, AL

Dear Jerry,

  As a brand-loyalist, you know that there is no subject too taboo, as long as it brings in money for My vacation fund.  I commend that attitude.  Sex happens to be one of My favorite topics.  If it will help get bums in seats and cash in hand, I’ll be happy to tell you a few stories.  Just let Me know.  In the meantime, you can use this one as a teaser:  “Gawd likes a threesome.”  It’s true.  I’ve been trying to get Pele, Shiva and a handful of roofies all in My hotel room at the same time for years.

  I was thrilled to hear that you make videos and post them on your website, “Great Sex Gawd’s Way“.  I thought I might be able to use them to unbend a hot young thing or two, (or bend them, if you know what I mean – huh?  Huh?).  But you just about earned yourself a lightning bolt up the keister when I actually saw the videos.  How the hell do you expect a Beelzebub impersonator in a cheap suit to get anyone in the mood?!  For Cruise’s sake, man.  That’s not Great Sex My Way, that’s some boring sermon.

  So I’ll do us both a favor.  The next video you post should not feature you on a stage telling husbands and wives it’s alright to turn the lights on once in a while.  It should feature one blond, dressed as Little Red Riding Hood.  One brunette, dressed in traditional Catholic School Girl uniform.  Someone dressed in wolf costume, with t-shirt labelled “Respect My Authority”.  This person should be more than commonly well-endowed.  Through the rest of the video they should work in at least five of the items on this list:  Spatula, Tea Cozy, one vinyl album throat-singing music, The Complete Works of Baruch Spinoza – unabridged, Life-size cardboard cutout of John Cleese, One cubit basket of miracle fruit, One bottle Chateau Lafitte Rothschild 1967 and One semi-tame wombat.

  Make that video and I’ll tell you a story about Great Sex My Way that will not only make your toes curl, but will bring in the punters from miles around.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

4 responses to “Dear Jerry Lawson…

  1. What, no honey? Or locusts? Or burned meat? (I wonder if the authors of the old testament had any idea what a double entendre was? Is?)

  2. They seem to have been a little hit-and-miss. On the one hand there was “And, verily, Lot’s daughters rode him like a race horse. And it was good.” Or Solomon singing, “Your tits are like grapes.” On the other, there’s David & Jonathan, as Yunshui pointed out.

  3. I’ll be happy to tell you a few stories.

    I’ve been meaning to tell Gawd that the sex stories in the Bible are a little too few and far between to sustain reader interest. Moreover, more than a few of them focus on some rather unsavory sexual encounters – incest, rape, adultery, etc. Really, is it any wonder that a number of the brand-loyalists keep getting themselves into trouble?

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