C/O Daystar Church, Good Hope, AL
As a brand-loyalist, you know that there is no subject too taboo, as long as it brings in money for My vacation fund. I commend that attitude. Sex happens to be one of My favorite topics. If it will help get bums in seats and cash in hand, I’ll be happy to tell you a few stories. Just let Me know. In the meantime, you can use this one as a teaser: “Gawd likes a threesome.” It’s true. I’ve been trying to get Pele, Shiva and a handful of roofies all in My hotel room at the same time for years.
I was thrilled to hear that you make videos and post them on your website, “Great Sex Gawd’s Way“. I thought I might be able to use them to unbend a hot young thing or two, (or bend them, if you know what I mean – huh? Huh?). But you just about earned yourself a lightning bolt up the keister when I actually saw the videos. How the hell do you expect a Beelzebub impersonator in a cheap suit to get anyone in the mood?! For Cruise’s sake, man. That’s not Great Sex My Way, that’s some boring sermon.
So I’ll do us both a favor. The next video you post should not feature you on a stage telling husbands and wives it’s alright to turn the lights on once in a while. It should feature one blond, dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. One brunette, dressed in traditional Catholic School Girl uniform. Someone dressed in wolf costume, with t-shirt labelled “Respect My Authority”. This person should be more than commonly well-endowed. Through the rest of the video they should work in at least five of the items on this list: Spatula, Tea Cozy, one vinyl album throat-singing music, The Complete Works of Baruch Spinoza - unabridged, Life-size cardboard cutout of John Cleese, One cubit basket of miracle fruit, One bottle Chateau Lafitte Rothschild 1967 and One semi-tame wombat.
Make that video and I’ll tell you a story about Great Sex My Way that will not only make your toes curl, but will bring in the punters from miles around.
Wish You Were Here,