Monthly Archives: February 2009

Dear Volcano Fodder…

Someone's looking for a swim in the lava.

Someone's looking for a swim in the lava.

FOR HAND DELIVERY

Dear Smart-Aleck, (you know who you are),

  I was coming out of Apsley House earlier today, slightly miffed that I didn’t get to see Napoleon’s death mask, and guess what I saw on the side of a passing bus?  Do you think it was “ALLAH IS A HACK.  A plagiarist with a false beard,”?  Perhaps I saw, “ODIN DOESN”T EXIST.  At least, He might as well not.”  Or maybe you’d guess that I saw, “PELE IS REAL, but it doesn’t really matter.  She’s just a girl.”  If so, then you’d be wrong.  I got a picture with the cell phone My boys gave Me for Father’s Day.  Go ahead and flip this postcard over to see.

  Not nearly so amusing.  Not designed to make Me chuckle, I’d say.  Did you think I wouldn’t find out?  Did you think I wouldn’t know who wrote it?  Without even turning the omniscience on, I can see that you’re not one of the New New Chosen People.  They’ve got more guts than to stick in “please don’t tell Him I said so”.  So, right away I can tell that you’re just one of My New Chosen People.  Maybe Shermer or Kurtz or somebody like that.

  Then I turned on My omniscience for a minute, which put Me, (if possible), in a crappier mood.  Do you have any idea of all the poverty and death and reality television I become aware of when I have to do that?  It gives Me a splitting headache and often puts Me off My Fillet Mignon with Sauce Bearnaise.  So then I knew who you were and I had one more reason to smite the bejesii out of you.

  I was going to smite you with a bolt of lightning, but My aim has never been that great.  Something that requires less in the way of pinpoint accuracy seemed more appropriate.  A tornado or the plague or maybe a huge down of flesh-eating bunnies.  And then one of My more vocal brand-loyalists gave Me an idea.  A volcano.  Better yet; many volcanoes.  A descending of volcanoes, let’s call it.

  I’ll have to write Bobby Jindal a “Thank You” note.  Some folks think he’s crazy for speaking against monitoring something that could kill hundreds of thousands of people.  Yeah… crazy like a fox.  A fox who knows that volcanoes only erupt when I tell them to, so what’s the point of keeping an eye on them?  Everyone will know when I set one off.  And anyway, I’m not going to touch off any of the ones you know about.  I’m going to make a bunch of new ones.  One right under your house, one under your office, another one in the park where you like to have lunch, a little bitty one right inside the crapper of the bar you stop at on the way home from your soul-crushing job.

  And you know what?  I’m not going to tell you when, either.  Ha!  Every time a subway train passes under the street; every time a big truck hits a pot-hole near you; every time your wife’s dinner disagrees with her in the night – you’ll jump out of your skin.  Yeah.  That’s the way We deities roll, baby.  You’ll be in a constant state of fear.  “Will Gawd smite me today?”  “Will I make it through this TV show?”  “Should I bother to make holiday plans?”

  Maybe.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Dear Barack Obama…

biggerthanjesus

1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW, Washington, DC  20500

Dear Barry,

  I know you’re a good brand-loyalist.  I know it because I’ve heard you say so on numerous occasions.  I know it because, as far as I can make out, it’s illegal to be elected president of the US of A if you’re not.  When people said you were a secret brand-loyalist for that hack, Allah, I just tapped the side of My nose in a significant and knowing manner.

  Being such a good brand-loyalist, you must know what kind of Gawd I am.  The jealous kind.  The wrathful kind.  The kind who likes a nice bottle of scotch at the end of the day.  The loving kind?  Not so much… except when it comes to My boys.  I’ve got a real soft spot for the Jesii.

  They tell Me you’ve got kids of your own.  So maybe you can understand why I’m feeling a little smitey that you’re hogging Their limelight.  The folks over at the Harris Poll called to tell Me that I am now ranked number 11 in their “Hero Poll”… up from “Unranked:  less than 1%” in 2001.  Like every year, they were giving Me the list of respondents names and addresses so I could reward/smite appropriately, and they happened to mention your ranking – relative to My boys.

  I’ve never expected to top their poll, myself.  And that’s okay.  I mean, look at what Americans expect in their heroes:

  •   “Doing what’s right regardless of personal consequences.”  Well, there are no consequences for Me.  I’m Gawd.
  •   “Not giving up until the goal is accomplished.”  My only goal is vacation, and while it’s true that I won’t give up on vacationing until the last star in the sky winks out, people don’t usually understand the dedication that takes.
  •   “Doing more than what other people expect from them.”  I’m kind of between a rock and a hard place on that one.  The brand-loyalists expect everything they can possibly imagine and more; and My Chosen People don’t expect anything at all, so I can’t do enough for most and only meet expectations for a few.  It’s a lose/lose.
  •   “Overcoming adversity.”  Ditto criteria number one.  What adversity?  I’m Gawd.
  •   “Staying level-headed in a crisis.”  You flood one little planet… sheesh.

  Anyway, like I say, I don’t expect to top the list.  As long as I beat Oprah, I’m okay.  But My boys… well, I like to see Them at the pole position every year.  It shows that My Deadbeat Dad approach worked.

  So I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse.  Take a dive.  No one’s asking you not to make a good showing, just not #1.  Take an extra long time to cl0se Gitmo or turn a blind eye to Rove skipping out on Congressional subpoenas.  Knuckle under a few times when the Republicans tell you “no”.  You get the idea.  Now, this first term, you may feel a slight sting.  That’s pride fucking with you.  Fuck pride.  Pride only hurts, it never helps.

  Take My advice.  You’ll be a hero to Me.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Dear Pope Benedict XVI…

fat-jesus

Lo Stato de la Citta del Vaticano

Dear Joey Ratz,

  I thought we had an understanding.  I thought we had an agreement.  Every other Pope before you has kept to the agreement.  Well, except for John VIII; I had to smite him with arsenic and a claw-hammer when he threatened to blab.  Oh, also Stephen VII and Leo V.  I had them strangled.  And John X, now that I think about it.  He passed away quietly in his sleep with a pillow over his face.  Hadrian III, too, actually.  Arsenic again, but he kicked off before I could get the hammer.  Then there was Stephen IX, but that was an accident.  I was just going to scare him a little, but the pansy couldn’t hack it without his eyes, nose, tongue and hands.

  The point is that most of your predecessors knew how to keep their mouths shut.

  Just to be clear, let Me outline our little arrangement.  You do two simple things; 1) raise cash for My vacation fund and 2) keep your Me-damned trap shut about My personal business.  In return, I a) won’t smite you and b) won’t leak to the Mossad what you really did during the war.  The bit that concerns us today is #2, above.  Joey… someone’s been talking.

  Now, I don’t really care if everyone knows My ex-wife, Mary, was a slut.  That cat’s been out of the bag for a long time, (although I wish someone had told Me before I married Her).  I don’t even care that the Jesii’s paternity has been called into question.  I had Them tested years ago and, for better or worse, They’re Mine.  I do, however, care that someone has gotten their hands on Hippie Jesus’ school picture, which debunks the whole “walking on water” thing.

  A truly stunning portion of My vacation fund comes from American brand-loyalists.  But do you know what Americans won’t give money for?  Besides starving foreigners and windmills, that is.  They won’t give money to a brand who’s mascot is a fat, wheezy nerd, too heavy to do a simple water-walking miracle!

  Am I getting through to you, Ratzy?  You are so lucky I don’t have a horse’s head handy right now.  I know you complained about this information getting broadcast.  I know you’re going to say that it wasn’t you who leaked.  I almost blame Myself for not burning the Vatican’s X-Files years ago.  But that’s immaterial right now.  It’s like My old pal John Wayne used to say, “Anything goes wrong, anything at all… your fault, my fault, nobody’s fault… it don’t matter.  I’m gonna blow your head off.  It’s as simple as that.”  He really had a way with words.

  That’s where we stand right now, Joey.  If you don’t make this problem go away; I don’t care if the information was stolen from the Vatican vaults or you whispered it to some cute alter boy you were trying to make or if you yelled it from the rooftop with a megaphone – I’m gonna smite your head off.

  I expect you to deal with this.  I want to see headlines soon to the effect of “Ha, Ha, Fat Useless Jesus Just A Joke, Says Everyone”.  ‘Cause if My vacation fund suffers… so will you.

Boy Do I Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Dear Rush Limbaugh…

limbaugh-jesus

1495 North Ocean Blvd., Palm Beach, FL  33480

Dear Romeo,

  I got your postcard… but I had some trouble making heads or tails of it.  As near as I could tell, you seem to want to make some sort of deal with My boys.  If you’re trying to get Them to invest in something, They learned Their lesson when you were pushing Enron.  We listened to your advice on that and really took a bath, so thanks, but no thanks.  If it’s that ostrich farm thing again, give it a rest, will ya?  Not even Hippie Jesus is going to go for that.

  Or did you say the Jesii should make a deal with Satan?  What’s that about?  Sure, Their Uncle Beelzebub has given Them advice all Their lives, but They’ve never gone into business together.  More’s the pity, really.  I’d have liked for the boys to get in on some of that Rock & Roll money.  The three of us really missed the boat on that one.  We never thought it would be bigger than Pat Boone.

  You know what?  On reading your postcard again, it almost seems like you’re saying that you are the fruit of My omnipotent loins.  If that’s what you’re trying to get across, I’m going to have to insist on a paternity test.  Are you hepped up on goofballs again, Rush?  Where would you get an idea like that?  I mean, yeah, you and Republican Jesus have got some of the same ideas and you’ve both carried water for the same people, but damn… you’d have to be nuts to think you’re related to Me in any way and doubly cuckoo to think I’d acknowledge you if you were.  Hell, don’t you remember what I did to that Koresh guy for saying stuff like that?

  Or, wait… was that some kind of analogy?  I’ll be honest with you, Big-Boy, it’s always been hard to make any sense out of what you say.  Every time you send Me a postcard asking Me to give Obama leprosy, (12 in the last month), or for him to fall down and break his neck on national TV, (47 since November), or that his bones will transmogrify into c-4 during a “feminazi rally”, (enough that I could paper My hotel room with them), I really despair for you.  If you had friends I’d urge them to do an intervention.  Honestly, I say this as a… well, a deity who’s getting tired of hearing from you.  Lay off the oxycodone.  There’s only so many times you can mainline that stuff before it starts messing up your head.

Wish You Were Mute,

~Gawd

Dear Frenchies…

french-sex

Tour Eiffel Champ de Mars, 75007 Paris, France

Dear Gawdless Foreigners,

  I was recently having drinks with The Invisible Pink Unicorn, (at least I think I was), in the Atlantis Bar downstairs at My hotel and I mentioned that I’ve been seeing fewer and fewer Euros in My vacation fund.  According to My records My cut from church rentals for marriage ceremonies has really been falling off.

  She looked at Me sympathetically, (I assume), signalled for another watermelon margarita, (presumably), and told Me a terrible story about you.  You’ve been getting PACked instead of married!  Your name has long been a byword for wine drinking, runny-cheese eating and exceptionally naughty kissing, but I never expected that you were into Gawd-stiffing!  This from the people who sell souvenirs at Notre Dame?  Even after remembering this postcard I picked up at Charles de Gaulle Airport last month, I thought I could count on you.

  Now a third of you are refusing to get married, thus making the worldwide depression worse.  How selfish can you get?  Don’t you know that there are deities who depend on this cash flow?  Do you realize how many St. Christophe key-chains the Notre Dame giftshop will have to sell to make up for this shortfall?

  “Thank Me for American televangelists“, is all I can say.  As usual, America is doing it’s part to make up for your screw-ups.  As you may have heard, Americans have been flocking to the voting booths to make sure that church rentals are an integral part of the law of the land.

  I shudder to think of what the world would be like if everyone followed your example.  It’s people like you who make the Jesii cry.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

P.S. – While I’m at it, I’d like to confirm My reservations for next week at Hotel du Louvre.  Please reserve My usual table in the Defender Bar and have Maurice ready with a large scotch when I check in.

Dear Christian Broadcasters…

SF002993

C/O Christian Broadcasting Network, 977 Centerville Tnpk., Virgina Beach, VA  23463

Dear Telecasting Brand-Loyalists,

  As you know, I don’t much like to meddle in your business.  My motto has always been “if it’s bringing in money for My vacation fund, don’t fix it”.  However, I have another motto which goes, “there’s no such thing as bad publicity”, but since Jerry Falwell went to his reward, (24 cubic feet of real estate on the Liberty University campus), publicity has fallen off somewhat.

  So imagine My shock when I learned that Allah, (that hacktastic hack), has been stepping up His publicity game.  One of Allah’s, (hack, hack), brand-loyalist broadcasters went and cut off his wife’s head, presumably with a wickedly-sharpened copy of the Qur’an.  You can’t buy publicity like that!

  Now, I’ve only read far enough into the Qur’an to satisfy Myself that Allah, (who, by the way, is a hack), stole His schtick from Me.  Maybe cutting off wive’s heads is a central tenet of His brand.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that Muzzammil Hassan launched Bridges TV in 2004 in order to portray Allah’s, (or, the Thief of Baghdad’s), brand-loyalists in a positive light.  Then, two days before Valentine’s, he beheaded his wife.

  On the one hand, if he was trying to steal publicity from the Gawdless Hindus defiling one of My brand-holidays; more power to him.  Frankly, with some of the things I’ve seen Hindu deities get up to, it’s just crassly hypocritical to give people a hard time on Valentine’s Day.  Especially since I get a kickback from every heart-shaped box of candy sold.

  On the other hand… where were you?  How come you’re not grabbing headlines?  I know you’re going to try to tell Me that most of you didn’t run those two stories, but that’s not enough.  Suppressing stories with religious overtones is all well and good.  Only running positive stories about My brand-loyalists, or stories that make them look like oppressed minorities, is fine.  But My bank accounts demand more.

  Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of Gawd’s vacation fund.  A half dozen or so of you are going to have to step up.  (Rupert, I’m looking at you.)  My first thought was that one of you could eat a baby on live television.  Uncooked, if possible.  But then I thought it would be more powerful if you re-enacted scenes from My glory days.  Then, if anyone tried to stop you, you could say that the wicked, Gawdless majority was trying to suppress Biblical History.

  So here’s My plan.  Try to space these actions out so that just after publicity peaks for one, you pull the next, and so on.  That way, you get constant airtime throughout.

1.  Release a ravenous bear in a school playground.  It worked like gangbusters for Elisha.  People were talking about that one for years.  Be sure to interview the parents afterwards.

2.  Pre-empt American Idol to sacrifice an only-son on top of the Time-Warner Center.  Close-ups of his trusting face before, during and after are a must.

3.  Sign a business deal with someone, then kill him, his son and everyone in their neighborhood.  Take their women and cattle.

4.  Torture and kill one or more of your employees, making sure they last a day or two.  Show video teasers during prime-time.

5.  Free all the carnivores from a local zoo.  Try to synchronise it with a school field trip if possible.

6.  If anyone complains about My plan, infect them with something gross.  Leprosy works nicely.

  Now get out there and start making headlines, instead of just suppressing them.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Dear Catholics…

As soon as a coin in the coffer rings / the soul from Purgatory springs.

As soon as a coin in the coffer rings / the soul from Purgatory springs.

C/O Benny Ratz, Apostolic Palace, 00120 Vatican City

Dear Papists,

  Hi, it’s Me, Gawd.  I know you haven’t heard from Me in a while, but I was just thinking about you last week.  I was looking forward to a lovely time at Grosvenor House Dubai, but when I checked in I was embarrassingly short of cash.  Instead of the Deluxe Suite with Sea View and butler service which I had reserved, I was forced to settle for the 1-Bedroom Apartment with Marina View and butler service.  It was, as you can imagine, not only disconcerting but it made Me feel dirty and poor to stay in such low-rent accommodations.  How do you people manage it?

  It forced Me to take a long, hard look at My vacation policy.  Eventually, I raised My hands to Me and said, “As I am My witness, I shall never stay in business-class rooms again!

  This is where you come in.  It’s time to pony up – and tithing isn’t enough.  However, as I am a market forces type of Gawd, it’s only right that you should get something for your money.  So step right up and get your Indulgences while they last!  For the first time since 1567 you can know the peace that passeth understanding; that, for the nominal fee of whatever the market will bear, you can get Gramma out of Purgatory early.  Think of it.  Dear old Grammy, who accidentally stabbed Grampus for snoring in 1964, can get early parole in the afterlife… if you love her enough to stump for the Deluxe Suite.  As My former business manager, Johann Tetzel, used to say:

“As soon as a coin in the coffer rings

the soul from Purgatory springs.”

  I loved that man.  I really did.

  Or perhaps you’re more interested in a little insurance.  That’s fine; I don’t judge – (unless I’m feeling cranky).  Worried that you might have to cut someone off in traffic?  Feel like smacking the wife if she serves Hamburger Helper™ again?  Know in your heart of hearts that little Johnny will mind better if you just give him a good shaking?  Well, there’s no need to feel guilty about it as long as you’ve got one of these babies in your pocket.  Venialize to your heart’s content.  In fact, the more, the better!

  As you know, I’m no shopkeeper and I’m much too classy to publish a price list.  Frankly, if you have to ask, then you probably don’t really need one… yet.  But on the other hand, who knows what little sin might keep you cooped up in Purgatory while all your friends are having a blast praising Me for eternity?  Don’t ask yourself if you can afford a file cabinet full of indulgences; ask yourself if you can afford not to have a few dozen tucked away for a fiery day.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Dear Christian Couples…

hand_ofgod

Le Poing of Gawd

For Hand Delivery

Dear Messieurs & Mesdames,

  Recently, I’ve been getting many postcards from you with questions about My will.  My will concerning… well, concerning what might best be described as “Gawdly Intercourse“.

  Stop it.  Just stop.

  Not that I’m a prude or anything.  Far from it.  I mean, I’ve been around the universe a time or two; if you know what I mean.  Gawd’s no babe in the woods… not that I haven’t had a few babes in the woods.  You know what I’m saying?  And I’ve been to those parties over at Shiva’s where Everyone leaves Their keys in a bowl.  I’ve seen the elephant… literally, in some cases.

  However, that doesn’t mean that I necessarily want to know about what you and the Mrs. get up to late at night with a box of baking soda and an air filter.  I hope we understand one another.  So, to get this whole embarrassing topic out of the way once and for all, I will try to outline for you My will on these delicate matters in as refined and urbane a way as I can.

  By far your most frequent questions have been about “Le Menage a Trois“.  My will is:  Go for it, but never two men and one woman!  Not that I have anything against homosexuals; some of My best angels were gay.  It’s just that if you want to go into politics later it will limit you to one party.

  Many of you also seem to be curious about “Le Poing… ing“.  My will is:  As long as you don’t email Me pictures.

  A lot of husbands have asked for Me to codify My will regarding imbibing of “L’eau Vivante“.  let Me just quote the Jesii if I may:  “Hell, yes!”  They have always been boosters where that is concerned.  Just ask the Woman of Samaria.

  Some of you are eager to know My will concerning “Renversement Graine” while your partner is away at the beauty parlor or watching football.  That one is a strict no-no.  Under no circumstances are you ever to do that!  That one gets right up My nose… metaphorically speaking.

  Finally, or to end, if you will, “La Route Chocolat“.  If it was good enough when you were dating in order to stay “La Vierge”, it’s good enough for the marriage table.

  I sincerely hope we won’t have to have this discussion again.  This was as bad as “L’entretien Sexe” with My boys.  So, please, with My Blessing, go forth and be freaky – as long as you buy plenty of Indulgences afterward.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

25 Random Things About Gawd

velvet-gods

REPLY ALL

  As those of you who sell erection aids; used to be the Finance Minister of Zimbabwe and the UK Lottery know, My boys set Me up with an email address a while back.  I really only have time to check it when I’m waiting on a flight and the airport lounge isn’t open yet, but as luck would have it, those two things coincided this morning.  So I “logged on”, as I believe the kids say these days, to Gawdmail@gmail.com.  Snuggled between an email from Republican Jesus entitled “FWD: FWD: FWD: barack HUSSEIN!!!1! obama is the COMMIE Antichrist!!1!!!” and one from Hippie Jesus drivelling about loving His next-door neighbor was something from Ganesh.

  25 Things You Never Wanted to Know About Some Pachyderm I Had the Misfortune to go to School With.  It was all a bunch of crap about “I’m really not fat, just big-boned,” and “If I get one more Mr. Peanut doll on My birthday…”.  No offense, Tiny, but really.  I knew all of You from the Class of ∞ wouldn’t bother to read all the way through Tiny’s list but I’m sure You’ll read through mine.  So here it is.

1.  I had the boys’ foreskins bronzed and made into pinky rings.

2.  One of the reasons I never go home is because the music is so friggin’ awful.

3.  Part of My Ineffable Plan is that My Chosen People have to get shat on.

4.  I wish everyone would label themselves so I know who it’s safe to shake hands with.

5.  I don’t know what bok choi is.

6.  The smartest thing I ever did was to cash in all My US dollars for something with actual value.

7.  I often wish I had roomed with FSM at school, instead of Allah.

8.  I sometimes pick up babes on the intertubes.

9.  My favorite animals are bears.  Bears rock.

10.  I killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.

11.  Did I mention Allah creeps Me out?

12.  I had a crush on Pele when We were at deity school.

13.  I never read signs.  I figure if it’s important somebody will tell Me.

14.  Sometimes I miss doing things with the boys.

15.  I’m addicted to Secret Diary of a Call Girl.

16.  I drunk dial My ex-wife sometimes.

17.  I miss the Brooklyn Dodgers.

18.  If it’s another deity, it’s not technically bestiality.

19.  I used to call the Psychic Friends Network and tell them what happened to their first pet.

20.  Nessie and Bigfoot piss Me off with their whining.  So I screw up every picture anyone takes of them.

21.  I haven’t shaved since Solomon’s 427th wedding.

22.  Julia Sweeney only let go of Me because I didn’t pay her back for lunch that time.

23.  Buddha always blows My mind when He starts talking about string theory.

24.  I wear Pope Cologne when I cruise for the ladies.

25.  I’m an Aquarius.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Dear Randall Price…

ark-blueprints

C/O World of the Bible Ministries, P. O. Box 827, San Marcos, TX  78667

Dear Randall,

  I understand that you’re grifting accepting donations for your search for old Noah’s houseboat.  As you well know, I am normally 100% behind donations from the brand-loyalists.  Without them, I wouldn’t be finalizing plans for My Grand Safari vacation in June.  In fact, without regular donations, I wouldn’t be writing this postcard with a Mont Blanc pen from the H10 Marina Barcelona Hotel Spa.

  However, it doesn’t seem to Me that you will be passing on those donations to further My vacation, but, rather, you will use the cash for your own frivolous trip.  So I’m going to do us both a favor and tell you exactly where you can find this manky old boat you’re looking for.  That way, you can pass the savings on to Me.

  First, a little background.  Yes, it’s true that I drowned everyone on Earth except Noah and his immediate family.  Dea Culpa.  Coincidentally, it had to do with My vacation fund.  As I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, I do not make mistakes.  That being said, the ratio of brand-loyalists to non brand-loyalists at the time was quite seriously out of wack.  As a result, My vacation fund was dangerously low.  To make things worse, I was still paying off student loans from deity school.  So I borrowed a great deal of cash from Uruk Samas-Tallassu, (“Uruk the Leg-Breaker”), in Eridu.

  Was this a wise decision?  Of course it was – I made it.  But I soon decided it would be even more wise to get out from under all that debt using the “Acts of Gawd” clause.  To wit: I Katrina’d their asses.  Actually, I just meant to do the financial district, but it got a little out of hand.  Or, it was all part of My ineffable plan; take your pick.

  In any case, I just had enough time to warn Noah, who was My only brand-loyalist at the time, I’m embarrassed to say.  “You know that houseboat of yours, Noah?  I hope you’ve got room for the T-Rex.”

  Now, here’s where I do you a favor.  Do you ever wonder where I got all the water to totally flood the entire Earth or where I put that water after?  I didn’t magic it from outer-space.  I mean, I’m omnipotent and all, but you destroy a planet with what you’ve got to hand, not what you wish you had.  Just ask Donald Rumsfeld about that.  Luckily for Me, all civilization was situated on rivers at the time so it was just a matter of a bit of strategic rainfall here and a monsoon there and voila!  As I said, it was meant to be very localized, but the sad fact is I never paid much attention in Weather Systems class at school.  Thus the overkill.

  Since I wanted to overawe the brand-loyalist and his family, not sicken them with bloated corpses floating in the streets, I had to razzle-dazzle them with special effects.  So, to skip over the technical details, the whole ark thing, including the bird with the olive branch, was done on a sound stage.  Noah never even had a clue.  The bizarrely funny thing about it, and you can chalk this up to My ineffable plan if you like, is that the very spot that sound stage sat on is the same spot the US government built the sound stage for the moon landings.  Boy, did Lyndon Johnson and I laugh about that one.

  So, to find the original, bona-fide ark, just go to Area 51 in Nevada.  If you stand at the south entrance of the mess hall and walk 47 paces toward UFO hangar #3, then dig down about 15 feet, you’ll hit the aft deck.  Good luck.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd