A Notice From The Postal Service

  All that guff about rain, sleet, snow, dark of night, etc. notwithstanding, your Postman is out sick today.  Regular service will resume shortly.  In the meantime, feel free to peruse the blogroll on the right.

~Postman

Dear P.Z. Myers…

17 May, 2008

C/O University of Minnesota, Morris

Dear P. Z.,

  How refreshing it is to find someone who has some regard for a deity’s hard-earned vacation.  If more people took your attitude, I wouldn’t be up to My neck in postcards I’m not going to answer.  Just between you and Me, if I get one more postcard from the White House asking Me to “smite” the 71% of your country who are evidently “godless, communist, terr’ist-appeasin’ doody-heads”, I’m gonna plotz.  Anyway, just a quick “thank you”, really.  I’ve got shuffleboard and a conga lesson coming up, so I’ve got to run.

Wishing More People Would Use the Magic 8-Ball,

~Gawd

Dear Mayor Larry Langford…

16 May, 2008

C/O City Hall, Birmingham, AL

Dear Larry,

  I am in receipt of your postcard of 25 April, 2008.  I would apologize for taking so long to get to it, but really, I don’t know what you expect me to do.  I’m on vacation.  Let’s be honest here for a moment, though.  You knew I was on the French Riviera and you sent that note either to annoy Me or to do some old-fashioned political pandering.

  If it was the former; I’ve had enough.  “Gawd, please give me a pony,”, “Gawd, please make Daddy love me,”, “Gawd, please make me remember what shoe goes on what foot,”; and that’s just from the White House.  Me-Dammit!  leave Me out of your Me-Damned politics!

  If it was the latter… the same applies!  You know, I once heard somebody say, (I can’t recall whom at the moment; but I think, beyond a bit of a Me complex, they generally made sense),

“And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.”

   So, just to be clear – I’m on vacation and if you don’t quit bothering me I’ll really give you something to wear sackcloth & ashes about.  I reccomend you try a bit of vacation, yourself.

Glad You’re Not Here,

~Gawd

Dear Barack Obama…

15 May, 2008

C/O Obama for America P.O. Box 8102, Chicago, IL

Dear Barack,

  I wasn’t sure how to address you.  There seems to be some confusion about your name, and your religion.  However, I see that you’re trying to put the religion question to rest.  I understand that pandering is very popular with politicians.  To tell you the truth, though, we deities don’t much care, (with the possible exception of Baal).  When we’re not bored by religion, we’re embarrassed.  The great majority of us spend more time on vacation than George Bush, anyway.  We mostly don’t care who’s president, either, as long as nothing screws up our frequent flyer miles.  In any case, we never vote, (except Hades, who gets a kick out of voting the dead).  So if this “Faith.  Hope.  Change.” thing is for our benefit, don’t bother.  Go ahead and talk about the stuff that actually matters.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Dear George…

15 May, 2008

The Not-Actually-Promised-Land

Dear George,

  I saw in the paper yesterday that you were in Israel.  How’s the weather there?  I’ve only visited once, myself.  It was 2,000 years ago and I met a nice Jewish girl.  But you know how it is being a celebrity; they’re still talking about it today.

  Anyway, the reason I dropped you this postcard is because I noticed you had this to say:

  “Our two nations both faced great challenges when they were founded. And our two nations have both relied on the same principles to help us succeed.  We built strong democracies to protect the freedoms given to us by an almighty God.”

  George… I know I’ve told you this before, but for the sake of your father, my fellow Bonesman, I’ll patiently go over it again.  In 1776 I was vacationing in Bournemouth and I spent all of 1948 on the island of Tonga.  Therefore, (and I don’t want to get too sciencey for you here), I couldn’t have given you anything of the sort.  I was – not to put too fine a point on it – on vacation.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Dear Ronen Paldi…

14 May, 2008

C/O Bible Park USA, Rutherford County, TN

Dear Ronen,

  I was glad to hear that your Edutainment Theme Park, Bible Park USA, is “without religious ideology or theology and does not promote specific religious beliefs of any kind”.  Believe Me, it’s a load off My mind.  However, my lawyers; Fire, Brimstone & Wrath, LLC, are just a bit concerned that you seem to be referencing My unauthorized biography right there in the name of your park.  A less understanding diety, like my old school chum Thor, might point out that a theme park based on a literalist reading of a (again, unauthorized), religious book is ipso facto promoting specific religious beliefs.  Personally, I’m not that kind of deity.  I say, let bygones be bygones; especially as I’m on vacation at the moment.

  On the other hand, if you continue to use the name of and to promote this, (I really can’t stress it enough), unauthorized biography, I will sue your ass.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Dear Sister Mary Bernadett…

9 may, 2008

C/O Wisconsin State Penitentiary

Dear Mary and John,

  I said no such thing.  For My sake, there I was on the beach at Cabo, sipping something with a paper umbrella and a lot of rum, when the cabana boy brought me a paper to peruse.  There.  You.  Were.  I never told you praying would make her good as new!  I can’t even hear you; I’m on vacation in Cabo San Lucas!  Oh, Me… you people give me the creeps.

Not So Much Wishing You Were Here,

~Gawd

Dear Allah…

 

13 May, 2008

Somewhere in Medina

Dear Allah,

  I know you’re on vacation, too, but I wonder if you’ve noticed what some of your people seem to be getting up to.  Not that I’m pointing fingers, you understand.  I mean, look what people drag my name into; the Inquisition, (admittedly, quite a show), wars, politics, you name it.  You’d be amazed the number of times I’ve had to threaten to sue.  Maybe if you drop a few postcards now you can nip this sort of thing in the bud, while it’s only 1,400 years old.  Just sayin’.

I’d Wish You Were Here, But You Already Are,

~Gawd

In The Beginning…

16 April, 1972

C/O Texas National Guard, Austin, TX

Dear George,
  I did get your letter and understand the keenness with which you want a red Ryder BB gun with a magic compass in the stock which always points away from danger.  However, (and firstly), I’m on vacation.  Secondly, as I’ve explained to you before, I am not Santa Claus.

Wish You Were Here,
~Gawd

 

6 July, 1946

Bush Compound, New Haven, CT

Dear George,

  I’m deeply honored that you would think of me as godfather for your boy. I’m afraid, though, that if you’ll expect more than a fiver on birthdays and graduations, (and maybe not then), you might want to look somewhere else. Of course, it goes without saying that I can’t make it to the christening. I’m on vacation.

Don’t spare the rod,

~Gawd

 

Dear Westboro Baptist Church…

 

13 May, 2008

3701 SW 12th St., Topeka, KS

Not-Particularly-Reverand Phelps,

  Although I am on vacation at present, I still read the newspaper and have seen you carrying signs stating that I hate fags. First of all, that book you’re getting all this from is an unauthorized biography, the authors of which, believe you me, would be in for a good, old-fashioned suing if they weren’t dead.  Secondly, some of my best friends are fags, (Shiva, for instance).  And lastly, while I am on vacation, my lawyers are not; so if you keep up these libelous actions I will sue your ass.

Oh So Sincerely Wishing You Were Here,
~Gawd